Even if you don't believe me, it still happened.

 

Even if you don't believe me, it still happened. 

The best line I have ever read in a book. 

I have spent my entire life defending what happened to me. 

Trying to make it make sense for you.

Wanting so badly for you to believe me and care for my hurt heart.

I have spent my entire life trying to prove to you that it did happen.  

All those awful terrible things happened to me; I survived them all.

I have spent lifetimes.

Trying to prove to you how badly that I was hurt.

In every way that I knew how. 

Trying to prove that I never wanted any of the attention that I got. 

I have tried to make my life small, make what happened to me insignificant.

I have tried to believe that what happened to me didn't matter.

No big deal it was just another Rape, in a lifetime of thousands upon thousands.

 I mean come on I have known rape since I was 5. 

What's one more?

Not really a big deal, right? 

I have felt every sneer, every judgement, every comment....and was crushed

The ones that hurt the most: here's a few. 

Well, how long was he there? 

I was silent, I am sorry I forgot to look at a clock, it felt like lifetimes as he held me down.

And you laughed and said sex doesn't take that long. 

The words I was the chubby unpopular kid who would want to do that to me. 

Your right I am the ugly one, no one would want to come near me. 

And there was the one that I wasn't showing enough emotion. 

Really, would you rather I be writhing on the floor, screaming, begging you to help me ? 

Would you have believed me then? 

When it hurt to sit, and stand and lay down if I told you that would you believe me? 

If I showed, you my blackened body from the bruises?

If I screamed from the rooftops, would you have treated me different? 

Would you have held my heart and helped me heal, if you believed me? 

Or would you have still left a 13-year-old girl to figure all these things out for herself?  

Do you want to hear how I was gang raped under the fan and couldn't get warm no matter what I did? 

Did you know that I would have rather died than survived the unimaginable?

I wanted them to just pull the trigger and put an end to all the pain. Is that what you want to hear?

Would you like me to tell you how my arms fell asleep as I had to hold my father's cross, so it didn't wake anyone up? 

Would you like to hear how I had to leave my little body because it was too overwhelming for my brain? 

Would you like me to tell you about 5 men taking turns, and just hoping that each turn would be the last?

Do you want to know the story about having my tadpoles killed and being told that next time I wouldn't fight. and that I blamed myself because I couldn't save them. 

Do you want to know how afraid that I was every single day?  

Do you want to know that I was forever exhausted, ALL THE TIME.

Would you believe me if I told you that every night bedtime prayers for me meant begging not to wake up another day?  At 5?

If I told you that my world went black because I was so overwhelmed? 

Would you believe me then?  Would you believe me if I fit into your little box? 

Would you believe me, if I was your daughter?  Your sister? Your friend?

Would you believe me then? 

Would you believe me if I gave you an instant replay, of what they did to my little body?

Would you believe me then? Would you? Would you? Would you?

If I laid out my life piece by piece for you, then would you believe me?

The fact remains.

It still happened and it happened to me.  

I was raped from the time I was five years old by adult men. 

Not once, not twice but over and over and over and over again.

Men that knew better. Men that I should have been safe with. 

Whether you believe me or not, it still happened. 

Whether you believe me or not; I will keep fighting. 

Whether you believe me or not, I am going to heal and keep fighting for others who also weren't believed.  

I don't fucking care if you believe me anymore, these things happened to me. 

These things should have killed me but didn't. 

I should have withered and died because I got no help and support. 

But I didn't, I fought for my life. I survived totally on my own. and I am winning. 

These things happened, these things changed me, and these things are a part of the person that I am.

So, all I have to say is: 

I heart your heart.