Feeling like I am frozen

 It's so strange. It feels like I am frozen from the inside out and there are so many things to do and say but you literally can't. I am stuck as a little scared 13-year-old girl. As much as I want things to change and be free there are parts of me that are frozen, stuck unable to move. We are both frozen solid in the terror of all the things that are unimaginable. I remember these tiny little pieces, yet there are other big pieces that are completely blank. There are pieces of me that are still holding on for dear life to all of the things that I want to forget. I get so happy making steps in the right direction and just like that it feels like healing is so far away.  I realized this weekend that I keep expecting, that aha moment and somehow, I am going to feel this freedom that I have never felt. Then there is this utter disappointment when it doesn't come.  I know that nothing comes easy or fast, but there are moments I feel that my heart gets so close and gets so disappointed.  

I am sitting here in a place I don't want to be, and I can't get warm, the tears keep streaming down my face and I want to scream at the world.  It's a windy day, the birds are singing, and I want to just sit and take it all in, but my heart just can't grab any piece of happy. The pictures that are on repeat are so clear and so vivid. it's just so hard to get them out.  I fear that I am being too dramatic, that I am making a mountain out of a mow hill.  Sometimes I don't even know how to get the words out because they take my breath away; and I can't believe that I survived them.  The smallest sounds I still hear like the clicking of the gun, the laughing, the doors opening and closing.  their words. I still feel the hands of each of them, pulling and pushing.  I can hear myself cry, but it really didn't matter.  I can feel the cold linoleum floor in the entryway the first time I saw him after celebrate 88. I just couldn't understand why he was hurting me.   I feel the rough rug that was by the back door, as I laid there in the cold feeling the warmth of the sun. I see them all shadows of faces that I never wanted to see.  I think I would know Don and I would know Andy but the others I wouldn't have a clue.  I don't know how to get over this part.  I don't know how to move past the things that were done to me.  The gross and disgusting of what was done is burnt into my being.  Even back then I would replay each terrifying moment trying to think of what I could have done, fought harder, ran faster, anything, anything other than letting all of those things happen. It seems terrifying to speak about and devasting to keep inside.  I don't understand this part.  I don't understand why I can't let go and move on.  And at the same time, I think of older little Callahan.  Just 13 there was no way to process everything that was happening to her.  There was no way that she could possibly understand. And take any of it in.  And those are the times when she was consciousness enough to even do that.  

I was so naive.  I knew rape, I knew what that was, that was my normal.  But don was something even more evil.  I am sitting outside trying to stay present and that day is like a freight train and there is no way for me to escape.  This just may be the one part that isn't healable.  This may be the part that I can't get over, that I can't be ok with.  As I sit here in this amazing breeze, I see it happening to that bigger little Callahan and I am so afraid.  I want to run, I want to hide away and there is no escape for her.  And I am at a loss as to how to help.   I feel them that close.