Ever So Grateful

 

There are so many thoughts in my heart.  There are so many things that I want to convey and all I have are some letters to form the words.  My words: I am sure don't even come close to how grateful, how touched how   absolutely amazed I am, that a group of people came together to hear to listen and to learn from pieces and parts of my story.  These are people that have the power to do things differently for the clients that they meet and walk alongside. 

When I was asked if I would be willing to speak, I cried.  And without hesitation said yes.  If somehow that my story can make a difference, if some part of my story can help someone else then I am all in.  I have found myself saying that i have to make my story mean something.  

I have to give my story a voice and a purpose.  

Saturday Feb 18, 2023, was my day to do that.  

I was a little nervous, but I think there was a part of me that was more excited.

I asked Mark for an outline, and I wrote pages and pages, like 49 pages. 

There is just so many parts and pieces to my story and how they are intertwined. 

I wanted to make sure that I said the right things that, what I said would make an impact. 

I looked over those pages and deleted and rewrote and deleted some more and added other things. 

Then finaly I sent Mark an email land said that I just couldn't look at it anymore, I knew my story and I knew that he would ask the questions and I just had to answer them.  

So the night before there was no nerves, there was a peace really.  I saw it as a time to make my story mean something. 

Saturday came along with the nerves.  I just wanted to say the right things that would make a difference, that would help them help people like me in their own clients along the way.  I got there early, just sat and was trying to breathe. 

Mark and Vanessa drove up and all was well with the world.

I knew that Mark would not have me do this if I wasn't ready and if it wasn't the right time.  

I found my spot on the couch, Mark was setting everything up.  Then they said oh no you guys are up at the front. Ok there might have been a little panic in those words.  I grabbed a pillow, my security blanket.  I felt stupid.  But Mark and Vanessa were like that is totally ok.  Their words just were felt in my heart and there was just a peace.  People started to arrive and in true Callahan fashion, I just observed. How they interacted with each other how they all interacted together.  oh, forget about the journals, but I didn't.  As I was introduced, and he welcomed everyone to my life in pictures, my brain was on slow motion as everyone took one and page by page started going through the journals of my life when I didn't yet have words.  I think that was the hardest part, those are every piece of my life.

The journals that I brought were all on little tables in the center of the room. I think that is when I found it hard to breathe for a moment.  They have been shared with very few people and seeing them sitting there, it felt more than vulnerable. It felt like my heart was sitting in the center of the room surrounded by everything There was a split second, I wanted to take it back and say sorry can't see these

He went around the room everyone checking in.  It felt so comfortable and so normal. It came to Vaness's turn and she got a little teary, which of course made me teary!   Callahan cry never!  There was a small bit of nervousness, because I knew there were just so many things that I wanted to convey. 

I wasn't out of place or in the way. I mean this was my story I knew it inside and out.

I lived it, everything would be ok.  

Mark asked the questions, and I began to tell pieces of my story. 

I can say those two hours flew by.  I felt like there was so much more that I wanted to say.

There were times I felt like I said what needed to be said and answered the question other times my brain would go on automatic, and I worried if I answered his question at all.  There were times that I worried if I made sense.  There are so many different pieces and trying to make them all fit is sometimes harder than you would imagine. 

I felt so supported and cared for.  At one point I could remember thinking, if I had these people back when I was 13 things would have been so incredibly different for me, I would have been given a voice and kept safe.  People would have done something and that meant the world to me.

A few people asked questions, a few people had comments.  I wish that I had a recording so that I could remember each and every word that was spoken to me.  For once I just took them in and let them settle on my soul.  People had the kindest words, that they were grateful that they learned a lot that what I was doing made a difference. I received emails, notes, hugs and words of encouragement that I will forever cherish.  

I didn't want the two hours to end, I felt like there were still so many things to explain and to help them understand. I went in thinking that I had so much to share and came out feeling brave and courageous. I was told that they would carry pieces of me with them as they saw their clients, and for the rest of their lives.  That is huge.  I had someone, ask even more questions when it was all over and for no other purpose than to learn and understand.  I was given notes of thankfulness, and emails and I am still trying to let it all sink in.  This was one of the best things that I have ever done.  This was the start of a new chapter for me, and I am beyond grateful.  I went into the day thinking about all the things that I wanted them to learn, but I was the one who left feeling so full, and so heard. 

I was listened to and heard, and I am a better person because of all of them.  I learned things about my own story and myself, that I will never ever forget. I am still processing, still smiling and I know for sure that having this opportunity meant more than I can even wrap my head around. 

I am more than grateful for Mark and Vanessa, and I am unbelievably lucky that I had the chance to meet those people in that room at this time.  I will carry them with me and forever hold the entire experience in my heart.  I am sure there is more writing, I am still processing each and every moment, holding it like a shiny new memory and taking up space with love and light. 

Its so seriously cheesy , but it felt like that day and those people were the wind beneath my wings.  In how they treated me, I gained a confidence and a resolve to speak more and to believe in the good of the people that surround me today.  I hope in that, I can slowly release all of the terrible things that were said as a little girl that made me ashamed and doubtful.  I felt strong in my story not weak and that was something that my heart can grow with.

 

I heart your heart.