More layers

 I can't believe it is almost the end of December, and I have only written two posts.  There has been so much going on.  I have been in a different place.  Even after all this time doing my own work, there are times that it still knocks the wind out of me.  After all this time, there are still layers that have never been acknowledged.  There is a part of that that makes me sad.  Then there is another part that says it's ok; you are just doing the hard work from living the life that you have.  Neither one makes it any easier, not really.  

Christmas was different this year, a realization I think that the once magical season is different. I do everything on my own, all the decorating of each and every tree, setting up the village, and making everything look magical and twinkly. It's fun and beautiful but hard doing it all on your own. Vincent and Mariska aren't little anymore, and with all the magic that I am still able to find and enjoy, it's different as your children are older.  I did the best that I could with the Christmas decorations.  I managed 6 1/2 out of 8 trees. One tree was up and ready to go, but the ornaments and garland just never made it to their place. I soaked up the moments with Mariska; she still has that Christmas spirit; she gets excited and enjoys the little things. Mariska and I had a wonderful Christmas morning, reading our Christmas Eve books with that crackling fireplace on the TV that Mariska loves. These are the memorable moments that I never want to miss or take for granted.  It's just a different life phase that I have to get used to.  

My mother's passing hit harder this year.  There is an ache, but only because of the things that we never got to share; I long for what I wanted and not what was.  There was this realization of just how alone I am, and I am not sure that I like that feeling at all. I still do not miss her, and I am not sure I ever will.  I needed her to be more present for me in my life; I needed her to appreciate the person that I was becoming and not want to hold me back. So many things that I needed that were never meant to be.  There is anger at my brother and the situation. Still, no communication, and that hurts.  I can't imagine the reaction if the shoe were on the other foot.  I am still made out to be the bad guy, and I think that there is always going to be a sting that comes with that. There is a sting that no one cares to hear how I was treated and why I reacted to things the way that I have.  There is an anger that I am the one who had to make those end-of-life decisions.  That was not my job, yet the heaviness of that is something that is still there.  I had known for a long time my brother was power of attorney, all decisions were to me made through him yet I was the one that was there those final moments. I can never unsee those experiences, and my feelings have never been considered, I fear that will forever be an ache in my heart.  

There are more onion layers to be peeled back, and there is nothing pretty about them, just more truths that are beyond hurtful. Even in the things that I am dealing with today, the roots are often back in the things that I learned growing up in the home that I did. That is extremely sad, and it often feels overwhelming. Every time I think I am done, something ties back, and there is something else to look at. I think that I may finally be learning, that there will be things like this that show up my entire life.  Things will come in pieces as they can as I am able to handle them. At almost 50, these things still come like little earthquakes. There are times I feel like I have come so far, and others that I feel like I am in a deep, dark hole. I know that I have come a long way, but sometimes, the road is just so long that I get so tired.   

I finished the book today, When Breath Becomes Air, by Paul Kalanithi; it was heart-wrenching and so powerful.  To live each day to the fullest to follow the things that are calling you.  To make all your dreams come true and be fully present. I feel like I am in the midst of those things, following my passions, dreaming of making a difference, and taking things as they come.  We are all on a journey, and it's up to us how we do that.  My heart often aches as I continue to struggle with my past.  My heart is also full, knowing that I am going to become the care that I never got.  Beauty in the sadness.  A happy personality, just a sad soul.  There is a sadness in parts of me that I would like to think would somehow magically disappear, but I think it is just there.  Maybe it is a reminder that something is just broken, and we can find happiness, but they will never function the same. That is where I am with the 13-year-old part of myself.  That so sweet girl with a pelican as a friend threw herself into learning about whales to survive all that life had thrown her way. I want her in a place where the sun shines brightly always as a reminder that even in the hellish she has survived there are good things to be had.  That scared girl doesn't believe me yet, but I hope that one day she will. Here's to more layers, more healing, and more connection to all the things that make me feel alive and that make a difference. 

I heart your heart.