Seeing it different

 

I have been thinking and may have been doing this all wrong. I spend so much time so angry at myself that I can't just let it go and put down what happened to me at 13.  No matter what I do, I can never make it go away or make it anything other than what it was. All of those experiences are in every cell, every memory, and every part of me to my very core. All those memories are inside of me and outside of me; they are everywhere all the time. It's often like I have this death grip, like the things that have happened to me are mine, and I have to prove them.  I have to hold on letting others know that they were that bad, and this is why I do some of the things I do today.  I have to hold on, let them dig in, and even prove just how hurt and affected all of those things left me.  

When I told, when I thought that help was close by, nothing mattered, I was made into something awful. I was made to be a liar and someone who just wanted attention.  That was the last thing I ever wanted.  I wanted someone to sit with me and ask me what happened and if I was ok. I needed someone to tell me that it wasn't my fault, that I didn't cause those things to happen, and that nothing I did warranted what they did to me. I still talk about it in terms of "it" because of the shame that comes with the words.  There is a weight to the words that I am unprepared for.  

I am tired of something that I can never get rid of.  I have to do something different.  I have to learn to sit, to see it, to feel it, to let it be what it was.  I have to feel and know that I am not those things that happened to my body. I have to know that this is something that will be with me forever.  It's not that I am holding on for dear life; it's that it's just so much a part of who I am.  I will forever close my eyes; it is just a thought away, but those thoughts need their place, and it isn't in my present. Those thoughts and feelings and memories will creep in show up when they are least expected, somewhere in my bones I have to find a place to be ok with that.  

I heart your heart