The End of 2024

It's hard to believe that today is the last day of the year. I'm feeling a lot of emotions, and my heart is heavy. Just as I put up all the Christmas decorations alone, I am taking them all down alone. I feel like I did get to enjoy them, even for a short time, and that feels good.  I already looking forward to grad school starting back.  I have been checking out the Syllabus for all my classes, so I know what's ahead.  The Child Development class will be interesting; they want a lot about how we grew up, our experiences, and how we were impacted.  It feels more personal even talking about the ACE score, so I think it's going to be a good class. I just love it, and when it comes to 2025, I can finally say that I am graduating next year, and that feels amazing. 

It's a time of change. The kids are getting older. I love them with my whole heart, but they have some growing up to do. They turn 21 in April if that isn't crazy. I want so much for them, but they have to want it for themselves. I think there is a part of me as a mom that feels like I failed, and that is hard. My Mariska sees me and has a heart of gold.  Vincent is angry at me beyond words, I catch glimpses and think, oh, he does love me, but he breaks my heart often without a thought. My automatic response is that I have done something.   He is angry at the world, and I can give you a list of all the reasons why, but there is still no need for his unkindness to me. 

I think I have finally found answers and will be able to send Calvin his letter. That makes my heart happy, and I hope that I get some kind of response. I won't hold my breath, but I am hoping with all that I am, I hear from him. I wrote to many of those who have been a part of my journey and have yet to get a response from anyone. Dr.Culpepper, Det.Plemons, Oliver just so many and nothing.  It goes to that feeling of being alone in the world that I just can't get rid of.  There is a lot of alone, and I have a few really good people around me. I just want someone in my every day, again. Maybe that is just too much to ask. 

There is still healing to do, and I won't stop until I get there, but I am tired. I am tired of recovering from people and places that don't understand me. I think that finally, this year, I am learning to accept that I am different and that it is okay. Only a lot of the time, it isn't ok, and it weighs heavy on me. I am always going to be different and experience the world differently, just simple facts.  Until I am faced with someone who doesn't understand and wants people to respond how they would, usually at work, I just have to keep thinking, one more year, one more year. 

There is a lot of work to do with Spunky.  I am terrified, but I know that it's time. The darkness isn't on her, but there are pieces of her so broken by the things that have happened.  There was an interview with VanDerKolk, and he said it's not a remembering. It's a reliving.  She is in that place of terror, even sitting there on the couch in the most safe place that she knows in the world.  Mark asked me what she would want for Christmas, and I bought her this huge Whale in the store; it's more than perfect, and I am sure it would have made her heart happy. I think that to help her move on, I need to spend more time focusing on the whales; that is truly what kept her going.  I watched the Movie that Mariska gave me for Christmas, Patrick and the Whale.  It was pure greatness and something that only those who will understand have the same kind of connection with whales. Spunky always had that connection and that may be just the thing to help her move forward. Whales are her safety. They always have been, and I need to lean on that. 

I said goodbye to people this year who have hurt my heart and silently moved away from people who are no longer a part of my journey. I am leaning into those who are constants and are with me in those dark times and in my happy moments. It just feels right, and if things aren't right for me, then I no longer need them around. There is just a heaviness that comes from being alone, and today, I feel it with my whole heart. I feel everything with all the intensity all the time, and it gets heavy. So I am going to continue to put Christmas away; I am going to give myself space to feel whatever it is that is inside and keep moving forward. 

I know that many great things happened this year, and I know that next year will be filled with even more. So, I am going to end with all the things that I am planning for the next year and all the good things that I hope to come my way.  

I will finish the school year with a bang as the Elevate teacher. Those littles are what keep me going and why I do this. I will present again in July for Trauma Support Services and then start practicum right after that!   I will continue to work with Mark, I trust that he isn't going anywhere and can help get spunky where I need her to be.  I hope that the kids will make some career choices and maybe even go back to school.  More than that, I hope that their heart is happy in whatever they do. For me I hope that I can find comfort in my own skin, in who I am. I hope that I grow in my confidence and truly learn to see my own worth in the world, I struggle with that, and it holds me back.  I am just as worthy as any other person,n and I want to believe that with all that I am. I want to accept the sadness that creeps on that I missed out on so much, and in the same breath, I want to be grateful that I have come so far and that sad place isn't somewhere I need to stay. What a year 2024 was! I hope that 2025 will be even kinder and show me things that are even beyond what I ever imagined. I may be sad and so alone today, but this is going to be one amazing, magical year for me. 

I heart your Heart. Happy 2025.