He looks like me

 

While cleaning out the upstairs living room, I found an old picture of me, and it almost made me cry.  Vincent looks like me.  The same facial structure, the chiseled chin. My eyes started to drip; he looked like me and not him. It's been on my mind a lot more lately, as they get older. I wonder if they have questions or things that they think about or are concerned about. There are so many things that I don't know, but today, there was a relief that he looks like me. I think sometimes he wants to be as far away from me as possible; there is a piece of him, even if he won't admit it, that is more than angry at me. For what I don't know yet, but I hope that someday he will tell me. Sometimes he scares me, he is so cold.  I get glimpses of the Vincent that I know, and I hold on to those for dear life. When I see that smile, when I get a response to a good morning text.  Oh, I hold on to those. When I get that I love you back, that means the world.

I will always wonder what traits he got from "him". Someday, I hope to find other moms like me and hear their worries and concerns and hear how they go about life. With this, I am on my own, and there is no rule book on what to do. How do you tell your children they were conceived in rape but are truly the best things that ever happened to you. I will tell them over and over that I would do it all again to get to be their mom. My heart is often broken by him because I don't understand how he treats me. It's gone on a long time, years in fact, and I am often at a loss. He doesn't talk to me or engage in any kind of conversation. He doesn't eat with us and doesn't interact at all. Asking him to help with the simplest task is like asking for a limb. He won't help me, because I need it I have to beg.  There are just some things that I can't do. I am going to keep that door open and keep telling him how much I love him, and maybe someday he will reach back. Since my mom died, it's gotten worse. I am sure she filled his head with things that made me the bad guy, and I can't go back and change that. I have to hope that someday he will come around. I hear him in his room, and he talks and laughs, but with me, nothing. I don't even remember the last real conversation that we had. So I am going to hold on to him looking like me and hope with all that I am that someday he will be softer with me. I hope someday we can have those conversations so he can understand where I have come from, why I did the things that I did, and how I lived my life the way that I lived it. I love you with my whole heart, Vincent, and I will forever keep reaching, even when you have broken my heart for the millionth time. I love you just that much. I am sorry for so many things, and so many things were out of my control, but you are my world, and I want the best for you always. I heart your heart. 

Appreciate Life and Unravel

I hope that I am learning to appreciate life. The life that I have, the moments that I can hold my heart and remember the days when I never ever imagined that I would be in this place today. You never know from one day to the next the things that are going to impact you, the people that you are going to meet, and the experiences that you might have. My life has been nothing short of amazing in each and every second that I have been on this earth. In a few short weeks, I turn 50, and there is a weight to that, like I never imagined. I have spent the last 50 years hating who I was and all the things that have happened to me. I have spent each and every moment scared of the next one, wondering if I am good enough.  I always fear that I am not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not everything enough to get all the things that I want in this life. I am working so hard in every area right now, wanting more for myself. 

We have been talking about compassion for ourselves in my grad classes, and for me, that is extremely hard.  I don't have compassion for the girl that I was, the woman that I am today, or the person that I am becoming. I am trying really hard and doing all the things to better myself and feel like I am worth the things around me. When I was cleaning more of the upstairs living room, I found my favorite picture of me when I was a baby. There is one little tear, and I look at that picture, and for once, there is a sense of compassion for that sweet girl who would go through so much. I even went and bought a frame, wanting that picture to have a special place and to never be forgotten. I am trying to give myself those graces that should be afforded to everyone, but somehow, I have always felt that those things never applied to me. It is something different to live life always feeling that you are less than everyone all the time. Even when I hear good things, even when people tell me good things, I struggle to believe that they are real, that what they are saying actually applies to me. I am desperately trying to work on that; it's just more than hard and something that I have to constantly be aware of. I worry all the time if I am enough. In every interaction, every paper, every word that I speak, I wonder if I have a right to my thoughts. I wonder how they will be taken and how I will be viewed. It's a constant battle to feel like I am worthy—like a second-to-second battle.  I appreciate each and every moment of the life that I have today. I notice the breeze, the raindrops, and the sound of the birds. I notice all of those things all the time, every day. 

There are days that are the hardest that you could ever imagine, and yet you would never know it. Because I keep going, keep smiling, keep fighting for the life that I want regardless of those so hard days. I am fighting for that 13-year-old girl that I was; so hurt by the world and everyone around her. She is safe, she is closer than ever, and she is resting. She is taking things in preparing for the next steps to freedom. She wants to forget where she has been and all the hands that have touched her, taking away what wasn't theirs piece by piece. She has a need to take off her skin that holds all the feelings and the memories, but she knows that is impossible. So slowly, ever so slowly, we are coming back together, fighting for each other to live the life we are destined to have. She is in the middle of all that I am doing right now. With all that we are, we would do anything to make the things that happened to us disappear. We are all too aware that that isn't an option, but some days we wish for that more than anything. Because we can't change it or make it any different, we are learning and want to do things differently for others. We are looking out into the world, reading journal articles and diving head first into all that there is to healing so that one day we can help others like us on their own journey. 

We unravel bit by bit, trying to find a place of peace and a place where we can forever be safe and sound. 

I heart your heart

 

NO need to share

 Once again, I am different, and there is no need to share.  Little do they know that I feel everything, and I know that there is fear about the words that will come out of my mouth. Words are spoken that we don't need "details" in a paper; that is for your own personal counseling. It is crazy to me that even in a graduate class, there are still things that are off limits.  It feels off-limits to me, and I get the message very clearly. It is very clear that some things are okay, and still, other things are not okay. It's ok for some things to be spoken about, but still, others are deemed inappropriate for class. It's a crisis class, I understand.  I think there will be open discussion about topics and ideas.  The first class was during the time of the California Fires, and we watched a video and talked about our thoughts and impressions.  One of my classmates had an Uncle who survived the fire but lost his home and all his belongings. He was in his 90s, and the question was whether to rebuild or not. Those things are ok to talk about. My classmates' experiences are ok to talk about. Adoption, yes, that is ok to talk about. Feelings of abandonment, feelings of self-worth, and feelings of belonging. Those are things that are ok to talk about. Another classmate talked about her daughter and wanting to get an attorney so the mother can make decisions if she is not able.  Those things are ok. However, I made a connection with the book Surrounded by Madness, and about when the parents are brought in for a counseling session and learn what happened to their daughter when she was 11.  They were aware of how they made the right decision but still didn't know. There is nothing. I feel the silence with all that I am. I am well-versed in the silence that is experienced. As a class, we start talking about self-compassion, and I am honest about the fact that it is a hard one for me to process. I acknowledge that it is hard and an area that I know I need to work on. I don't even remember which part of class it was, but I talked about where I have come from, and there was nothing in that book that I didn't have some connection to.  For me, there is nothing in this class that is shocking because I have lived a life of trauma. So, for me, these things are terrible, but there is a different understanding for me, and that has never been acknowledged. There have been a few times she has made comments, well, that is for counseling, that is not for here. And I think why not here in a crisis class for these classmates to understand the things that they may come in contact with? I am a real-life story sitting right in front of them, and I am not allowed to share my experiences. With comments that are made, when we have to write a paper, I hear the unspoken words; I have heard them my entire life. Maybe they are worried about how I will share the information about me. Little do they know I want to talk about the healing side and that it's possible and that I want to be that light to show them that it can be done. I hear her words over over and over in my head, well in your paper you can say your life experiences have brought you here but no details because those things are meant for counseling. When I am sharing or writing about my experience, I am not writing for anything other than to share a different insight into why I am the person that I am.  It makes me sad that it is not understood. It's a disservice to me and others in the class. They don't get insight that might help those who will be their clients, and it's a message to a trauma survivor that her story is something not meant for class. I would never inappropriately share anything. I would just like to share where I have been and where I am now for an understanding of just how far I have come. 

So many times in classes, there are moments that I want to share, and I try to make it pretty by dancing around the things that I want to say, but there is so much missed opportunity. There are things that I want to share because they add insight, because they're important. Others can share about things that they are impacted by, but trauma is still an area that is shunned. If they would just hear me, to know where I was coming from, it would be helpful for them and for me. I have come so far, and to feel like I am being shut down is hard. I am not coming from the place of a client who needs counseling. I am coming as a professional who had had experiences that have brought me here to this moment wanting to help others. I wish there was an understanding for that. I have worked so hard to find my voice, and when others are allowed to share their experiences but yours are off-limits, it hits hard and brings all kinds of feelings.  It's sad that there are things I can share that are so much a part of where I am but are not welcomed. I wish that it was as ok to talk about serious trauma as other things. I will keep fighting for that. Once you find your voice, you become even more sensitive to those who don't or won't hear your thoughts or experiences. There is a way to do it, and I think there was a time I wasn't ready, but I am today. And no matter how I love the professor and value her thoughts, it's not ok that I am made to feel that the things I want explore in class are things she deems inappropriate. Someday. Someday, things will be different. There are a lot of trauma survivors in these classes, and we have things to say and express that are important and should be valued, not hushed away or covered in different words. 

I heart your heart.