NO need to share

 Once again, I am different, and there is no need to share.  Little do they know that I feel everything, and I know that there is fear about the words that will come out of my mouth. Words are spoken that we don't need "details" in a paper; that is for your own personal counseling. It is crazy to me that even in a graduate class, there are still things that are off limits.  It feels off-limits to me, and I get the message very clearly. It is very clear that some things are okay, and still, other things are not okay. It's ok for some things to be spoken about, but still, others are deemed inappropriate for class. It's a crisis class, I understand.  I think there will be open discussion about topics and ideas.  The first class was during the time of the California Fires, and we watched a video and talked about our thoughts and impressions.  One of my classmates had an Uncle who survived the fire but lost his home and all his belongings. He was in his 90s, and the question was whether to rebuild or not. Those things are ok to talk about. My classmates' experiences are ok to talk about. Adoption, yes, that is ok to talk about. Feelings of abandonment, feelings of self-worth, and feelings of belonging. Those are things that are ok to talk about. Another classmate talked about her daughter and wanting to get an attorney so the mother can make decisions if she is not able.  Those things are ok. However, I made a connection with the book Surrounded by Madness, and about when the parents are brought in for a counseling session and learn what happened to their daughter when she was 11.  They were aware of how they made the right decision but still didn't know. There is nothing. I feel the silence with all that I am. I am well-versed in the silence that is experienced. As a class, we start talking about self-compassion, and I am honest about the fact that it is a hard one for me to process. I acknowledge that it is hard and an area that I know I need to work on. I don't even remember which part of class it was, but I talked about where I have come from, and there was nothing in that book that I didn't have some connection to.  For me, there is nothing in this class that is shocking because I have lived a life of trauma. So, for me, these things are terrible, but there is a different understanding for me, and that has never been acknowledged. There have been a few times she has made comments, well, that is for counseling, that is not for here. And I think why not here in a crisis class for these classmates to understand the things that they may come in contact with? I am a real-life story sitting right in front of them, and I am not allowed to share my experiences. With comments that are made, when we have to write a paper, I hear the unspoken words; I have heard them my entire life. Maybe they are worried about how I will share the information about me. Little do they know I want to talk about the healing side and that it's possible and that I want to be that light to show them that it can be done. I hear her words over over and over in my head, well in your paper you can say your life experiences have brought you here but no details because those things are meant for counseling. When I am sharing or writing about my experience, I am not writing for anything other than to share a different insight into why I am the person that I am.  It makes me sad that it is not understood. It's a disservice to me and others in the class. They don't get insight that might help those who will be their clients, and it's a message to a trauma survivor that her story is something not meant for class. I would never inappropriately share anything. I would just like to share where I have been and where I am now for an understanding of just how far I have come. 

So many times in classes, there are moments that I want to share, and I try to make it pretty by dancing around the things that I want to say, but there is so much missed opportunity. There are things that I want to share because they add insight, because they're important. Others can share about things that they are impacted by, but trauma is still an area that is shunned. If they would just hear me, to know where I was coming from, it would be helpful for them and for me. I have come so far, and to feel like I am being shut down is hard. I am not coming from the place of a client who needs counseling. I am coming as a professional who had had experiences that have brought me here to this moment wanting to help others. I wish there was an understanding for that. I have worked so hard to find my voice, and when others are allowed to share their experiences but yours are off-limits, it hits hard and brings all kinds of feelings.  It's sad that there are things I can share that are so much a part of where I am but are not welcomed. I wish that it was as ok to talk about serious trauma as other things. I will keep fighting for that. Once you find your voice, you become even more sensitive to those who don't or won't hear your thoughts or experiences. There is a way to do it, and I think there was a time I wasn't ready, but I am today. And no matter how I love the professor and value her thoughts, it's not ok that I am made to feel that the things I want explore in class are things she deems inappropriate. Someday. Someday, things will be different. There are a lot of trauma survivors in these classes, and we have things to say and express that are important and should be valued, not hushed away or covered in different words. 

I heart your heart.