Just Struggling

 

I don't even know where to start, and I feel like I haven't been in this place in a long time.  But I am here, and it's really hard. I am on the brink of tears most of the time. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, and I am absolutely spent. I hate that April is coming up, I hate that it's almost my birthday, and I just wish that we could skip it and move on. The kid's birthday is coming up, and I would love to celebrate and make it special, so I am going to try and do that, making it special regardless and without expectations. I am sitting here staring at the screen. There are so many things to get out, and they are stuck. I probably have at least 10 blog posts that are open, that are full of my thoughts, but they just aren't making any kind of connection or sense.  They are all parts and pieces of where I am right now.   There is this empty feeling, this looking for something that I don't have that I am not even sure where to find. Last week was my spring break for school, and it was, well, just awful. There is a sense of being unsettled, of wanting to be in a different place that isn't an option right now. It's transmission time, things are changing, and as sure as I am that I am heading in the right direction, there is unrest. I am tired, so very tired. I have this big house that I am more than grateful for, but the amount of upkeep and work that includes is great. Trying to do it all on my own is more than difficult, and when I am unsure about what to do, there is no one to go to and there is no one that I can rely on to guide me in the right direction. I don't want the answers from someone, but someone who hears me and lets me know if I am even heading in the right direction would mean the world. I do everything all the time, and it would be nice if I didn't have to. Like Mulch for the front yard.  I do not have strong arms, and I know that loading and unloading all of that mulch and then spreading it all over the flower bed is hard.  Not to mention that yard work is not my friend.  It's those kinds of things that I wish I had help with. Even earlier today, I was taking entirely too much down the stairs to limit the amount of trips it was going to take, and there just isn't help. I was seen and was ignored; my son could do so much to lessen my load just a little, but there was no desire to help me with anything.  And I know I could have asked, but that would just cause more drama so I do it myself. Doing it all on your own takes a toll, and I think that right now, I feel that all the way to the core of my being.  Working full time, full-time grad school, my kids, this house, and all the other things that come up in a day, it feels like I am climbing a mountain that continues to get taller and taller with each added task. There is nothing left of me and such an emptiness inside. 

I heart your heart.