Appreciate Life and Unravel

I hope that I am learning to appreciate life. The life that I have, the moments that I can hold my heart and remember the days when I never ever imagined that I would be in this place today. You never know from one day to the next the things that are going to impact you, the people that you are going to meet, and the experiences that you might have. My life has been nothing short of amazing in each and every second that I have been on this earth. In a few short weeks, I turn 50, and there is a weight to that, like I never imagined. I have spent the last 50 years hating who I was and all the things that have happened to me. I have spent each and every moment scared of the next one, wondering if I am good enough.  I always fear that I am not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not everything enough to get all the things that I want in this life. I am working so hard in every area right now, wanting more for myself. 

We have been talking about compassion for ourselves in my grad classes, and for me, that is extremely hard.  I don't have compassion for the girl that I was, the woman that I am today, or the person that I am becoming. I am trying really hard and doing all the things to better myself and feel like I am worth the things around me. When I was cleaning more of the upstairs living room, I found my favorite picture of me when I was a baby. There is one little tear, and I look at that picture, and for once, there is a sense of compassion for that sweet girl who would go through so much. I even went and bought a frame, wanting that picture to have a special place and to never be forgotten. I am trying to give myself those graces that should be afforded to everyone, but somehow, I have always felt that those things never applied to me. It is something different to live life always feeling that you are less than everyone all the time. Even when I hear good things, even when people tell me good things, I struggle to believe that they are real, that what they are saying actually applies to me. I am desperately trying to work on that; it's just more than hard and something that I have to constantly be aware of. I worry all the time if I am enough. In every interaction, every paper, every word that I speak, I wonder if I have a right to my thoughts. I wonder how they will be taken and how I will be viewed. It's a constant battle to feel like I am worthy—like a second-to-second battle.  I appreciate each and every moment of the life that I have today. I notice the breeze, the raindrops, and the sound of the birds. I notice all of those things all the time, every day. 

There are days that are the hardest that you could ever imagine, and yet you would never know it. Because I keep going, keep smiling, keep fighting for the life that I want regardless of those so hard days. I am fighting for that 13-year-old girl that I was; so hurt by the world and everyone around her. She is safe, she is closer than ever, and she is resting. She is taking things in preparing for the next steps to freedom. She wants to forget where she has been and all the hands that have touched her, taking away what wasn't theirs piece by piece. She has a need to take off her skin that holds all the feelings and the memories, but she knows that is impossible. So slowly, ever so slowly, we are coming back together, fighting for each other to live the life we are destined to have. She is in the middle of all that I am doing right now. With all that we are, we would do anything to make the things that happened to us disappear. We are all too aware that that isn't an option, but some days we wish for that more than anything. Because we can't change it or make it any different, we are learning and want to do things differently for others. We are looking out into the world, reading journal articles and diving head first into all that there is to healing so that one day we can help others like us on their own journey. 

We unravel bit by bit, trying to find a place of peace and a place where we can forever be safe and sound. 

I heart your heart