Her Things, Still Heavy

 

Cleaning out after someone has passed is never an easy task. it's heavy oh so heavy. When that person has hurt you so badly, it adds an extra level of sadness that things weren't different. She was my mom and i wanted so much more. I want to be able to look fondly at her things, thinking of the good memories and warm moments. For me, that just isn't the case, and it makes me very sad. Part of me wants to throw everything away. And there's another part that just doesn't understand why she hated me so very much. So many of the things were things I gave her, and what do I do with them? Her desk, oh she loved that desk. It's not me; I don't want it. What do I do? I don't like the pictures of the turtles and the boats! Do I put them in what used to be her room? Do I give them away to make room for the things that are me, that make my heart happy? I don't know. I am trying not to view things from my hurt heart, but there is no other way, at least not right now. 

Mariska and I were in the upstairs living room all day yesterday cleaning out and making things ours again.  It felt more than good and more than sad. We went into her room for atime to see where things would go, what room there was and I quickly realized that rome was not built in a day and that I didn't want to be in what used to be her speace. The things that I had gotten for her, the things that were on the wall.  It felt like I was in some kind of time warp, with scenes and memories all playing out at the same time.  I felt the tears coming and decided that I was going to tackle her room on another day. After all this time, what I think should be easy is just as hard as right after she passed.  Mariska and I laughed a lot and made things fun.  There was a lot of furniture moving and throwing things away.  I took down many of the things that were her, and nothing that I was or stood for.  There were some quiet moments, reflecting on where things went so wrong.  Mariska made the comment once that she wasn't born with the right gentalie to be loved.  That made me sad she knew that boys were a favorite. There were moments, that we remembered and talked about our thoughts and feelings. Some of the things that she said broke my heart. She was so unkind to her, and that killed me. She even said that she missed her cat Dorothy, and didn't really miss her at all. That was heart wrenching you are suppossed to mis your grandmother, the only grandparent in her life, but yet she missed her cat. There were a lot of moments like that. I tried not to go through a lot of things and just simply knew that they wee not mine and threw them away.  There were many things that I am sure there was a smirk as I threw them in the trash box. There was one picture imparticular that I tore to shreads. A night when it all about her, and I cried to my brother trying to get him to understand all that was going on in the house, he was unable and unwilling to listen. I remember it so well, I was heartbroken and there was no one to help. She was quite proud of herself, as warrented but I didn't have to get trampled in the process. Such a crazy time.  I tore it one way and then the other then again and again until there was nothing but morsels in my hand. 

It was a long but productive day. We brought some of the things to give away and went back upstairs and couldn not believe the progress.  It felt lighter, it felt more like ours than it had in forever. We have decided to decorate the walls with all different kinds of birds which I think is perfect and so fitting. It's an amazing feeling when a space feels like comfort. It is so open and welcoming, nothing like it was before. 

I have never felt so free.  I am lonesome, and I get so sad, because of the life that i have lived, but goodness I have come such a long way and I am finally doing what makes my heart happy. I have a long way to go and i may always have a long way to go but I am creating a space that feels good for Mariska and I.  We both keep talking about how awesome it looks and that we can't wait to finish. My house and another beautiful room in the making, my heart is full.  This is my house and no one can make me feel unwanted in my own home ever again. That is progress. I have a home. 

Blue October : Home 

I heart your heart.