You can't assume

 

I think in some of my grad classes, they assume that a student is unable to handle a topic or unable to dig into something because we are students.  I am finding that they often do not take into account, that I am not most students. I have gotten here because of my need to make things better for others and because of the way that I was treated.  I am here because of a passion that I have had for most of my life. There are a crazy number of things for me to learn, and at the same time, I have been learning and studying as a way to cope with the cards that I have dealt with in this life. I have an understanding of trauma beyond any professor's knowledge, and I am not sure how to get that across. 

There are so many times I want to explore topics and experiences not from a personal level but to explain a point or to help a classmate understand. Today, I got into a conversation about MDMA therapy and different options for those with complex C-PTSD.  Those are two things that I want to become more knowledgeable in and grow as a professional. I think different therapies may work well with clients who suffer from C-PTSD. I have personal experiences with the things that we are speaking about.  I have experiences that give me a different understanding, and sometimes, I just want to be able to share them. 

I have so many thoughts and opinions that I would love feedback on. I have ideas and things that I think would be helpful to others that I don't even have enough knowledge yet to articulate. But they are there, just wanting to be heard.  

I listen to every word of men like Yalom, who has a special place in my heart.  I would love to have time to share and explore with him.  He has a deepness that I connect with. He has an understanding that I have yet to find words for. I watch Yalom's cure, and I get it.  His quiet understanding and strength. I don't have a word for it yet, but I will someday.  

Mt professor saw an article I found, and she was like, "Oh, see Dissassociation. That's a rough one." I want to scream, "Yes, I know I have been there and can explain things you would not be able to get your head around." I want to be in a place where the things that I have been through can be seen as insight and courage.  I want to get to a place where the things I have experienced and the things that I did to survive are things that can help others and prove to be walking stones for practitioners to heal other patients. 

The things I survived have given me a passion and desire to want others to do things differently. there is something in this that satisfies something in my soul to my very core, like nothing I have ever known. Maybe this isn't the time to share why I come from the places that I do.  I can promise you that time is coming, and I will never stop making a difference for others. 

I heart your heart.