Good Thing for Tomorrow's

 Sometimes, I am still blown away by the little things that still effect me. Today is Valentine's Day, and I have been on the verge of tears almost all day. It's a little bit of everything and then nothing all at the same time. Work was not a fun place. The team leader is like a wrecking ball, and I am everything opposite. She is young, and it's like everyone should do things the way she does and think how she does.  I do not, and that often proves to be very difficult. I repeat to myself so many times in one day, one more year, one more year, one more year. I look at the kids and remind myself I do it for them.  Today was just that straw that broke me, making me feel weak and useless. With everything else going on, today was just a lot, more than I imagined or thought it would be.  She makes me feel small and insignificant and that I don't know what I am doing.  I do know what I am doing, but we go about things very differently, and she hasn't learned yet that,that isn't a bad thing so that is really hard. Today was a hard day for me anyway this year, and then add a wrecking ball, and I was not okay. It was one thing after another after another. No matter what I did, I felt like it wasn't enough and I was doing things all wrong. 

A parent came saying that they hadn't gotten any communication from me. When I showed her that emails had been sent, she blew it off, wanting to add her husband. When one of my students had their Valentine's box, one of the paraprofessionals argued that it wasn't his over and over. There was an entire mess this morning with the team lead wanting things done her way.  It just seemed like things were thrown at me all day, and by the end of the day, I was no longer able to dodge any more negatives, and the tears flowed. 

For me personally, this day was more difficult than it had been in some time. I am working really hard to heal Spunky, and today is one of those touchy days. I woke up feeling the weight of the day, and it just never left. It's got worse as the day went on, actually. I honestly just want to go upstairs and go to bed, cry until there are no more tears, and fall asleep.  The night of the 8th grade Valentine dance, the first rape.  I should have been at that dance, being 13 and having fun.  I should have been at that dance, doing all the girl things that 13-year-old girls do. Those were not things that were meant for me. 

I look around me in my library with all of my favorite things, favorite sayings, and things that make my heart happy, and I can see just how far I have come. There is this thinking that I should not be sad at that time. Look at where I am today in this moment.  But I think there is a part of me that says, look at where you are and just imagine where you would be if all of those things had not been a part of your life. Such a double bind.  My heart feels crushed, my mind is spinning, and this tiredness comes from all the fighting just to pretend that everything is fine. 

I know I will be fine, I always am, but in this moment that just doesn't make me feel better. Good thing for Tomorrow's Yes, good thing for Tomorrow's. 

I heart your heart.