Superbowl 2025

 

I'm kind of shocked that this day still stings. I woke up this morning with crazy dreams that were unsettling but kind of normal for me. Oh yeah, it's that stupid football game that is on today. After all this time, there is a sting more like the sting of an entire swarm.  I was folding the laundry from the week, Mariska was doing the socks, and I said something; I don't even remember what it was, but she laughed at me.  Just like that, all the blood drained from my face, my arms got heavy, and my heart sank.  She was laughing at me, and it was like I hit a break wall.  There are far too many Superbowls that I have been laughed at and made fun of. The tears started and I could tell she didn't have a clue, she said she was sorry. I brushed it off and quickly went into the other room to try and remember to breathe. This moment had nothing to do with what I had said or Mariska's reaction. It was just old wounds, a scab being ripped off that felt more like a stabbed heart than a little laugh. it still hurts like it did then.  Reminders of all the ways that you don't belong that you are less than. Reminders that you were around because they only felt bad for you; you were not there as a friend or important person. Just another body in the crowd.  

The first one was a party that we were invited to, the kids and I. I am sure we were only invited because we all attended the same church. I thought I belonged, but I got there and just felt out of place. Everyone was asked to bring something. I found these awesome cupcakes and spent my last 20 dollars to bring them.  I was just a sub and finishing up school. There was no extra money. They had said that they were getting pizza, and everyone could give money towards that. So of course there was no money so we didn't eat any of the pizza.  The kids ate what was brought, but they just stayed away from the pizza. After not really fitting in and being out of place, we were getting to leave. And he comes up to me asking for money. I could have burst into tears. There was no money, little did he know I told my kids not to eat any because of that. So I went to my wallet and gave him the last bit of cash that I had. I felt like dirt. It was the worst feeling in the world. I was heartbroken.  Not only didn't I fit in with that group of people, but my last money was also taken for something my children didn't even get to eat.  I cried all the way home, my children not understanding where the tears were coming from. 

Another was when I was laughed at.  I don't like big crowds and a lot of people. I am just more comfortable in smaller gatherings. Well, this is when we didn't have a place to live and were living with someone else. So she came up to me, laughing in my face, letting me know that lots of people were coming and I would probably want to be somewhere else. My kids and I didn't have a place to call our own, and we once again were not wanted. I was laughed at.  Like mouth wide open, cackling in my face because I didn't like something. I was being made fun of and laughed at.  I cried and called someone, asking what they were doing.  I ended up going to someone's house. It was fine, but I was just another piece of the wall. Again, it was with church people.  I should have known I didn't belong there but I so badly wanted to belong somewhere. 

I guess all that is to say that today, I am in my own home, peaceful, reflective, and working on what matters most. The laundry is going, and I am doing homework. It will always amaze me that those things still hurt so much. Goodness, I so wanted to just be and belong somewhere, but those things weren't meant for me. I am not saying that I will never attend another Super Bowl party if asked.  If I had the right people, I might make it work.  But please, people, take care of each other and be vigilant about a person's situation and how they are doing.  You can make or break a person by your words and actions. Just be careful.  Don't let your actions today be the reason why someone years later is still hurting.  

I heart your heart.