The big things have been filled with such great sadness and disappointment that it's better just not to celebrate those things. As far back as I can remember, life celebrations were nothing of a celebration for me, and that just made me even more sad. So, if I try not to celebrate and ignore the successes, then somehow, that will ease things in this life of mine.
Birthdays for one. I hate them. I hate the celebrations; I hate it all. As far back as I can remember, they were never a moment of celebration but a reminder of the aloneness that I have always felt. I can remember a few parties that no one came to. I was invited to a few, but I felt like an outsider, and I can remember being so excited and getting on a recliner and breaking one of the girl's presents. Amazing, all these years later, the memories still stick.
My high school graduation. I hated every single second. I hated what I wore, I hated the ceremony, and I hated even being there. It didn't feel like an accomplishment; I am not sure that I felt anything. The disappointment came after when my father had an imagined panic attack and made everything all about him. I can remember feeling so sad and walking back to the car alone. No friends were by my side, and my parents and relatives all surrounded my father. I was left alone. That was my graduation experience.
When I was pregnant with the kids. Even at work when they decorated my desk, and I was given some gifts. It was an experience that I didn't have words for because I felt all the whispers in the background, and that clouded everything. When people asked me what I needed, I didn't know what to say and usually said nothing. I guess as a first-time mom, you don't even know what you need. I wasn't being stuck up or snobbish when I said I didn't need anything. It was just the fact that I didn't have a clue where to start. The things that meant the most were the blankets, one pink and one blue, that an older lady made.
Celebrations were never about me; I never felt valued or special. Even my college graduation. I was so excited for James to be there, but then there was all the added drama with my family, and it just took away from the day. When you leave the stadium, it's a madhouse, so trying to connect with everyone is close to impossible. My mother and brother were there, but they said that I was ignoring them when all I did was come out the same door as every other graduate. The entire situation was uncomfortable from beginning to end. We stood there, none of us having words. No one knew what to say and then they left. I am glad I got my picture with my children, with James, with DJ. There isn't a single picture of my mom or my brother. That is more than sad; my mom is gone, and my brother doesn't speak to me anymore. Even the celebration the next day was full of drama. Things felt off; I was uncomfortable and wanted it all to be over. I felt like I had done something wrong wanting to celebrate with the ones who helped me. I felt like the cat that ate the canary. Let me be quietly proud of myself; I don't care what the world thinks of me. It was such a rough time with my mom; she wasn't supportive or kind, and everything felt forced. I just wanted to be; it had taken me so long to get to this moment. Moments I can never ever get back. Just utter disappointment.
My teacher of the year celebration. That, really, there was nothing to be celebrated. Once again, there were no pictures. They sent the CT guy in to take my picture, and it was terrible. I hated everything about it. I hated every single moment. My people were there at the celebration, and that meant the world. As a whole, once again, I was unable to find any joy. My clothes didn't fit right, my shirt was too big, my shoes were terrible, and I felt completely out of place. It just wasn't the place for me.
Just so much disappointment, even all the things that should have been amazing. So, for me, it's better to quietly smile, hold my heart, and be grateful. Because all of these things bring an insane amount of disappointment, and that is the last thing that I need more of in this world.
No comments:
Post a Comment