In the breeze

 

Yesterday was one of those February days in Texas where the weather was everything perfect and warm, and it felt almost too good to be true.  Sometimes, those days are tough for me. There is that warmth, the sun is shining, and there is that ever-so-faint gentle breeze. The sky is the bluest blue and so bright.  The birds are singing, and it seems all is well with the world. Sometimes, it's those little things that can remind us of some of the things that we want to forget. It's like for me, on days like that.  I can still remember so clearly what happened, where I was, and exactly what the weather was like.   Those first few days of a changing season when all is well with the world. Only I had no idea that things were going to end so badly. 

I have worked on this so much, and I guess it more than shocked me to still see things so clearly. It doesn't hurt like it used to, but there is an ache that I had to go through. I was so innocent, so unaware,  just a little girl.  Strange to have something so usual shake your world a little. That day seemed so far away, and a small thing like the weather brought it all back.  

In these moments, I realized that no matter how much I talk about it and heal, there are going to be times when, out of nowhere, that page opens, and it's there, clear as crystal. Today I look and experience it different. I saw the little innocent girl that I was, and I no longer beat myself up for not being able to save those tadpoles. Today, different things stand out. Just how small that I was.  Struggling to walk because my body hurt. It is unimaginable that my first thought wasn't to ask for help. There was no thought in my brain of having someone care for me.

I already knew I just had to clean up and move on. No wonder I was not an outgoing, active kid. I think that my little body was in pain a lot of the time. Another piece of the puzzle. The smaller you become and the quieter you get, the less chance there is for you to get in the way and get hurt. I knew that at 5. I guess writing this is just a way for me to honor that little girl who lived through so much. I know that part of me no longer carries the burden of all that was done to her. I know that she is free, she will never forget, but she has found peace. Hopefully, in time, the pictures will become less clear for me; with my whole heart, I hope to find that someday, just like little callahan. I guess maybe she carried it for so long. This is my piece to mourn for. 

I heart your heart