I think I am realizing more and more just how much she hurt me but how much she hurt my children in the process. She hurt them in very different ways, but the damage that she created is something I will never get over. I see her pictures and I literally feel nothing, there is this ache but nothing more. How she treated Mariska, so unkind. Her being a tattle tale almost. Nothing that she did was ever enough. She made Vincent her everything, making sure to drive that wedge between the two of us. I was always the bad guy, and she made sure to tell him that Mariska was always the favorite. I was the parent, but she led him to believe I was holding him back and not letting him grow. I can't imagine the things she fed him, but she did and it breaks my heart.
This Mother's Day was just hard. Mariska worked, I didn't hear from Vincent till later in the afternoon, there were many many tears. I tried to keep myself busy, but there was a heaviness to the day. A part of me wishes that I did miss my own mom, but it just isn't there. I found a post from my brother, with a picture of him and her and the flowers that he got her one Mother's Day. I saw the picture and just stopped. I can remember her saying that she liked the other flowers better. And yet here he is, years later posting that picture, like look at me and all that I did for my mom. It made me angry. She was always playing both sides, she could never be nice to us at the same time. When she got home from the cruise, she called and said that she couldn't wait to get home to the kids and I that it was a long trip. And it was in the same month that she made him the sole beneficiary. Just so many questions and not enough answers. He was the hero of her story; Always. He was unable to hear the true version even in her passing. My words were too much for him to hear. He could gush and share, because that was his reality, the importance of the male. I was being cold, and unable to share my reality of the situation. I can remember the relief that I felt that day and every day since, I could not imagine living the way that I was. The growth that I have made since that day, is just extraordinary.
She was unable to see the woman that I was and refused to take responsibility for anything that happened in my life. I was the angry one the one holding grudges, not once was there ever an acknowledgment of what I had been through in my life. Makes me think of the counseling session where she said Well at least he wasn't in bed with me. That makes my blood boil. How dare her say that out load in a room full of people, if that was too my face what did she think when I wasn't around. This mothers day there was this feeling of intense anger, that I don't miss her, and that she was not kind to my children. Mariska and I are able to talk, and vent and share how we saw things and what our experiences were. My mother put Vincent in a bubble feeding him all untruths about me and his sister and my intentions. She got in the middle of us whenever she had a chance, and all of that came to the surface on Sunday. I ended the day just going up to bed and crying myself to sleep. I felt terrible for both of my children and the situation that they were in. Since Vincent becoming a dad, he is opening up, it is going to take time. She did a lot of damage, and for a long time he believed her lies, I hope as he watches me with Amelia, he will learn who I truly am and the intentions that I have always had, wanting the best for them always.
It is a little scary honestly, that I don't feel more for her. The hurt is so deep and that it affected my children so profoundly is not ok. Mariska and I are open and talk about what it was like. Vincent is slowly peeking his head out, in time I hope we can have those conversations and he will be able to heal and see that I love him with my whole heart.
I heart your heart
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