I hate my birthday

 

I wish I totally understood why I dread my birthday. I want to be excited and celebrate, but there is this fear that I am going to get excited, and then just like that, be left and disappointed. I don't remember the last birthday I enjoyed. I was even getting frustrated at work. I was talking about the kids' birthdays, and my para kept mentioning mine, and I was getting so angry! I'm not talking about me, now shut up. It's that kind of overwhelm for me. I hate the attention, the lead-up to the day, and all the things. I don't remember the last time that I truly enjoyed my birthday, honestly. Do not get me wrong, Mariska always goes above and beyond, and I often feel guilty that I am not more excited. She plans for days, sometimes even weeks; she decorates the house, blows up balloons, and she always goes all out.  It's awesome what she does, and there is a part of me that feels more than guilty that I would just like to forget about the day. Someone said well you deserve to be celebrated, and I just am not ready to hear that. This year,, the kids made plans. Mariska was up early wanting me to open my present. She made breakfast and was so happy.  They chose the restaurant, and we had the most amazing dinner. We had cake, everything was perfect, and still, in me, there is such a great relief when it's over. 

It's almost like my past birthdays have completely ruined the future ones. The parties growing up, I think there was one where no one showed up.  I can remember going to a few, but I felt like the odd one out. I didn't feel like I could celebrate and have fun like the others. I can think of one birthday that we went to the beach that turned it being about everything else. It was the weekend that Gotye was on Saturday Night Live. There was arguing and fighting, and all I wanted to do was go out on the pier, but that never happened. That was the same time that my mother bought me a computer mouse as a gift. It's as though I was not meant to celebrate, and not sure I would even know how. 

I don't know what it is, but they make me sad. They make me feel alone, and I wish that I knew the root of that, because I have a lot of them left to go.