Too many things I don't want to be true

 I think right now there are too many things that I don't want to be true, that I know are true, and are hitting me like a ton of bricks. I am just so sad. Everything makes me sad about Spunky and the life she had to live, and all the normal life things that she never got to experience. The things she endured and the secrets she had to keep. The way she was treated and how she had to survive on her own and figure things out. The weight of all that she has had to carry is weighing on me, and I am not sure what to do with all of the feelings. I am further in this life than I ever thought I would be, and yet that ever-present sadness is holding on like stickers to your feet on a hot summer's day. No matter where I step or what I do, some things just hurt that are a part of my story that I don't want to be. I am not comfortable with the questions I don't know, and I am also not comfortable with the things that I do know. So, I am stuck somewhere in the middle, and no matter which way I look, there are no flowers, no happy ending.  Between what I do know and what I don't lies my broken heart.  What I don't know makes me angrier, because no one helped me fill in the missing pieces. So many could have made the healing process something better for ame and no one made that choice. 

The tears shed are different; they seem to have a greater impact, they are more intense and so very sharp around the edges. I think Spunky is closer than she has ever been, getting comfortable and trusting me more and more. I feel like she is shifting, more into a place of change than just sitting there on that couch in a state of terror. Maybe all the tears are from moving from that state of terror and not being able to have any emotions because they were too intense and too big to even comprehend. Today, the emotions are just as big, just as terrifying, only I am not that same scared, tortured, alone 13-year-old girl that I once was. I am seeing things more from the woman that I am today, standing strong in the things I believe about myself as a person, and the knowledge that I am stronger and more aware now than I have ever been. There are still parts of us that feel so very different from everyone around me, so very foreign. And there are parts of us that are the same. Our will to live, to make things better. Our ability to see the little things, the little bird drinking from a tiny puddle, the fainest rainbow, the twinkle in my granddaughter's eyes. We both have this ever-so-soft spirit that wants nothing more than for there to be peace all around us. We both have this strong sense of justice that deserves to be seen, that gives us this fight to make things better for others. 

I have worked so hard on her healing, wanting more for her. I have fought for her freedom from the darkness that she was accustomed to. I wanted all the things for her that she never received in this life. There is a part of me that wonders if all of her will heal. I think there will be places, forever untouchable things that will always ache. I am not sure I am okay with that, but I think it's just the way it is. I am trying to accept it, but that is so much easier said than done. 

I think I'm maybe leaning into what happened, sitting with the reality.  I wish the things that happened weren't true.  So many told me that I wasn't telling the truth, and little did they know that I wished I wasn't. Lying would have been so much easier than admitting the things that had happened to me. I have to work on getting the things that were said to her out of my head. The blame, the shame, the judgment that I was the one who had done something wrong. I still hold onto those things.  I must have done something wrong. I did dance with him, but I never imagined he would do what he did.  I saw the words 'unlived life,' and that is so fitting for Spunky. She never got to live life or experience things as she should have, and I can do a lot for her, but there are also things she will never have or get to experience. Life was more than cruel to her, and I am working hard for her to understand what happened to her without any shadow of blame. The shame that she feels is huge because there are still so many things she doesn't know or understand.  I am learning to be ok with that, because nothing I do can change it. I will be glad when she can trust that she didn't do anything wrong, and that we deserve all that the world has to offer today with out looking back.