Just to feel Normal

 

There are so many feelings and things to say, and the overarching goal is to just feel normal.  I was speaking last night about psychedelics and the impact that they could have on the field of counseling and the difference that they could make for people. I remembered my first rave, my only rave, one I will never forget. For a time that evening, I felt normal; I wasn't afraid.  No terrifying pictures were in my head. No memories of what had happened to me; I was just another person in the room, listening to the music, and for a short time, I just got to be. I even started crying last night when I was speaking about the experience and what it meant to me. Knowing the feeling of freedom, feeling what you imagine a normal person might feel, is truly life-changing. 

My entire life was anything but normal: no normal experiences, no normal relationships.  Not a single person or experience I had was like my peers or the people around me.  Fear was never absent from my everyday. I had to learn how the people around me felt and be careful about their mood so I could act accordingly.  I had to be aware before I knew that anything else was an option. Living like that is not only exhausting but so terribly lonely. The things I wanted, and maybe even needed, were never considered. 

To have an experience where the things that have weighed you down your entire life are gone in a matter of seconds is something most would find incomprehensible. I can remember thinking how out of place I was, until in a split second I wasn't. I was leaning against this wall and all of a sudden, it hit me.  I slid down the wall, and for a split second there was this panic, then as the next beat hit, I felt the freedom.  The wonder of being in the moment.  I was out in the middle of the dance floor, and I wasn't afraid. There were no thoughts holding me back about the world being dangerous. There were no memories knocking on my door reminding me of what people had taken.  In that one second, all the weight of the world that I have to carry in my everyday disappeared, and I grew wings. I danced, I felt, I even dare to say that I fit in. There was no high; there was no exaggerated response. There was just me, the girl who felt so free that she couldn't stop dancing. 

I can also remember the moment I realized that it was wearing off. It was early in the morning; the sun was beginning to rise, and slowly all that I carried began to pile on.  The sadness crept back in, along with the awkwardness, the dread, the fear of others, and the immense weight of the pictures I carried in my mind.  Almost in slow motion, I knew what was coming back, and I wasn't ready. I wanted more freedom, more time, more of what it felt like to live without fear. 

I have done so much healing, and sometimes I wonder if I can ever feel that way on my own. I think there are times when being a DOC student is that kind of freedom for me. Two worlds colliding: one of freedom, relief, and pure magic. The other one is despair, memories, and the brutality of the world. There are times that I feel I have one foot on each side, More on the side of freedom and magic, but the brutality of the world I have experienced still has tentacles wrapped around my soul.  I will continue the untangling and hope that someday, I can live in the magic that I had that one evening at Ridglea Theatre.  

Children by Robert Miles 

I heart your heart.