I miss the people not the process

I would never want to go back in time and redo any part of my life. 

 But the people oh the people that I have met along the way I miss them dearly.

  I miss the support their encouragement.

 I miss how they acknowledged my heart and what was important to me. 

 I miss my detective, he heard me. 

 I miss Sam he cared for my heart. 

I miss I miss Jason he was kind.

I miss so much I miss the people that just acknowledged, just heard just listened.

I miss James, and it isn't lessening . He cried the tears I couldn't He held my hand.

I miss Val EVERY SINGLE DAY for EVERYTHING 

I miss Neil how he held my heart  .

I am tired of missing I need people here to stay. 

I would not want to go through the process ever again 

but I was heard, things and how I saw them were validated and I need that. 

Maybe that's why I keep fighting until I feel heard all the time 

I don't know, 

I don't want that validation and poor me, I want the look at what you have done

Look at how you have lived and accomplished great things 

maybe I shouldn't need that 

BUT I DO.  

I need to be checked on 

I need the hard questions asked 

Not every day but the hard days.  

I want some to see that I am not OK that my heart hurts that 

Some days most days I am not so strong and not so brave 

Most days I fight like hell with all that I have. 

A lot of the days I win

Some days I don't and still no one sees between the days

I am learning I think that there are going to be days 

my entire life 

and I need someone to see those days

those days when I can't stand the pictures 

when the nightmares are running even when my eyes are open

I feel so very hard to love and I wish that I wasn't 

I wish that I was liked and heard and valued

I wish 

It's just who I am. 

I heart your heart  

Words I don't have

Every Heart has a story to tell, only mine isn't ok

There are so many things inside my heart and so many of them are things that have never been ok to say.  My heart my things that hurt my heart are not things to share they are things that people look the other way, that people, shy away from that people most often ignore.  And it hurts my heart.  The documentary is all said and done.  The DVD is available  its done with the film festival scene .  And there are pieces of me, that feel guilty that I wasn't good enough.  I know I know that I didn't say all the right things that I didn't help enough people.  I think even there is a part of me that thought this was going to FIX me, that somehow by sharing, it would make everything hurt less. Of coarse none of those things are true.  I miss the people , oh I knew them for such a short time but I can say that are the few that have held my heart. I think that a piece of it is that this was an outlet an excuse for me to share, not an excuse but a reason to share.  Because I know all to well, that people don't want to hear.  We all say break the silence , and how brave but REALLY ?  Because people in everyday don't want to hear.  They don't want to know and it gets old.  Believe me I understand that it gets old, but there is nowhere for me to go, no where for me to hide.  I don't get to hide my head in the sand,  and I never will.  I will keep speaking and keep sharing as hard as it gets hoping that someday everything that I went though will mean something will make a difference for someone else.  I think maybe its my own expectations.  When I share from my heart and there is no response no nothing and I think oh my god WHY why won't people even acknowledge me you know.  Just a little heart just something letting me know that I am not alone.  I hear things about the healing journey and how different that it is for everyone, and how no two people heal the same way only the problem is people have their expectations that I can talk about it once then its done.  NO that is not how it goes I talk about it once then again and again trying to understand trying to make sense.  And again I want to understand and make it  less heavy.  I just want to know that someone will be there when I need them.

  There are so many things to say.  There are so many people that I miss.  I am more than tired having to do this on my own.  I don't even know what I expect but I want people to acknowledge what I have been through and where I am today, and realize that there are still some really tough days but I am still me and just need someone to notice and love me all the same. Someday someone well I hope so, life gets lonely. And I am needing a forever, not a sometimes or a convenient. I heart your heart.