Every Heart has a story to tell, only mine isn't ok

There are so many things inside my heart and so many of them are things that have never been ok to say.  My heart my things that hurt my heart are not things to share they are things that people look the other way, that people, shy away from that people most often ignore.  And it hurts my heart.  The documentary is all said and done.  The DVD is available  its done with the film festival scene .  And there are pieces of me, that feel guilty that I wasn't good enough.  I know I know that I didn't say all the right things that I didn't help enough people.  I think even there is a part of me that thought this was going to FIX me, that somehow by sharing, it would make everything hurt less. Of coarse none of those things are true.  I miss the people , oh I knew them for such a short time but I can say that are the few that have held my heart. I think that a piece of it is that this was an outlet an excuse for me to share, not an excuse but a reason to share.  Because I know all to well, that people don't want to hear.  We all say break the silence , and how brave but REALLY ?  Because people in everyday don't want to hear.  They don't want to know and it gets old.  Believe me I understand that it gets old, but there is nowhere for me to go, no where for me to hide.  I don't get to hide my head in the sand,  and I never will.  I will keep speaking and keep sharing as hard as it gets hoping that someday everything that I went though will mean something will make a difference for someone else.  I think maybe its my own expectations.  When I share from my heart and there is no response no nothing and I think oh my god WHY why won't people even acknowledge me you know.  Just a little heart just something letting me know that I am not alone.  I hear things about the healing journey and how different that it is for everyone, and how no two people heal the same way only the problem is people have their expectations that I can talk about it once then its done.  NO that is not how it goes I talk about it once then again and again trying to understand trying to make sense.  And again I want to understand and make it  less heavy.  I just want to know that someone will be there when I need them.

  There are so many things to say.  There are so many people that I miss.  I am more than tired having to do this on my own.  I don't even know what I expect but I want people to acknowledge what I have been through and where I am today, and realize that there are still some really tough days but I am still me and just need someone to notice and love me all the same. Someday someone well I hope so, life gets lonely. And I am needing a forever, not a sometimes or a convenient. I heart your heart.