I miss the people not the process

I would never want to go back in time and redo any part of my life. 

 But the people oh the people that I have met along the way I miss them dearly.

  I miss the support their encouragement.

 I miss how they acknowledged my heart and what was important to me. 

 I miss my detective, he heard me. 

 I miss Sam he cared for my heart. 

I miss I miss Jason he was kind.

I miss so much I miss the people that just acknowledged, just heard just listened.

I miss James, and it isn't lessening . He cried the tears I couldn't He held my hand.

I miss Val EVERY SINGLE DAY for EVERYTHING 

I miss Neil how he held my heart  .

I am tired of missing I need people here to stay. 

I would not want to go through the process ever again 

but I was heard, things and how I saw them were validated and I need that. 

Maybe that's why I keep fighting until I feel heard all the time 

I don't know, 

I don't want that validation and poor me, I want the look at what you have done

Look at how you have lived and accomplished great things 

maybe I shouldn't need that 

BUT I DO.  

I need to be checked on 

I need the hard questions asked 

Not every day but the hard days.  

I want some to see that I am not OK that my heart hurts that 

Some days most days I am not so strong and not so brave 

Most days I fight like hell with all that I have. 

A lot of the days I win

Some days I don't and still no one sees between the days

I am learning I think that there are going to be days 

my entire life 

and I need someone to see those days

those days when I can't stand the pictures 

when the nightmares are running even when my eyes are open

I feel so very hard to love and I wish that I wasn't 

I wish that I was liked and heard and valued

I wish 

It's just who I am. 

I heart your heart