Terminal Aloneness

So many things in my heart that never get shared. So many things that are shining  inside that I never say that I never speak.  People tell me I am more like others than I think and I always disagreed.  I feel like I am even more different the older that I get.  At least now I am able to see, things that are the same but there will forever and always be things that are different.  I know that I have written about it before, I experience everything in this life more I feel everything more, I see things different.  I see things deeper and feel them even deeper than that, and believe me I wish that I didn't.  I don't do fake people,  I don't do second place, I expect better.  The word devotion comes up when I am on your side,  that's all there is. I don't stand up for others who have hurt your heart. I don't make excuses I don't try to talk you out of what you feel.  I talk to you find your feelings and listen.  I need that, I need that so much.   There were times that I have had that, and truth be told its one of the things that I miss most in life.  I want people that are mine.  Amazing how things change so fast and with no notice.  And little things happen all the time, and I try to make excuses, try to pretend that it doesn't bother me but it does.  All the changes I felt them all.  Some people can jump right in where they are and find a place I am not one of those people. I am one that stays in my place and you are invited in.  This fragile heart of mine is forever careful,  and if you are one that gets invited in I have to ask that you are careful.  Because if you can't leave my heart as it is or make it better then   just leave don't pretend to be something that you are not.  I don't want people pretending,  I just want things that are real and true and kind.  I seem to have seasons with people and for the seasons I am more than grateful , and in that can sometimes lead to that heartbreaking terminal aloneness, because you find people that heal your world, then you want other relationships to be like that and truth is relationships that heal your heart don't come often and its hard.  I want to be in a place where I am just comfortable in my own heart, no matter what is going on , on the outside.  I am pretty sure that I will never stop searching for that, for that person that will forever and always stay but the process itself is a lonely one and I just want to be comfortable in my own skin while I wait.  My hand is out I am waiting , there are rules that come with my circle and if you , if it isn't in your bones , if kindness and caring and safety and protection and devotion are not in your bones and not in your heart then please you can not come into my circle.  I know that part of the disappointment is that the expectations that I have for people are more than high,  I know that I so know that, but I won't , can't ,will not allow myself to settle for someone that will leave when things get heavy, when things get difficult when there are no words.  Its someone that sits in the silence that laughs at the funny and cries at the sad, that holds my hand when I can not stand, that is what I want in my circle.  I just want to be ok, its not fun that these words fit but ...you know here I am my hand is out, I am ready it just takes something special and extraordinary.  I will be waiting. 

I heart your heart.