Some scars are to deep to overcome, YES but I RISE

Sometimes I think that this is more than true.  Not to say that I am going to stop fighting or give up its exactly the opposite.  I know the cards that I have been dealt will affect me forever and I am tired of others that don't understand telling me its a choice.  It is; its so much a choice and if I was refusing to let go and give up I sure wouldn't be where I am today.  I am where I am because in spite of all the things that have happened and all the ways I am affected I keep fighting and that has gotten me where I am today.  DON'T YOU DARE talk to me about choices, because the ones that I have to make daily are not for the faint at heart.  After a night of more than brutal nightmares I choose to get up do what I love and not let them win. They hurt like hell but they don't win, most days.  When the pictures of faces, nick-knacks and every piece of furniture in a room replay and I see the things that happened the choices that other people made to torture and hurt me and I keep smiling that is my choice so unless you have walked in my shoes DO NOT talk to me about choices that you know nothing about.  I used to want to believe that someday I was going to get to some magical point and I was going to be totally better like none of those things have ever happened in my life but the thing is TRAUMA just doesn't work like that. Things are different I am different I see things different and yes I may be a-lot like you but truth be told there are a lot of ways that I am different. I experience friendships, love, life so very differently.  And that is not saying that it is all bad, I love how I look at some things I love how I always notice the little things because there are things that you just can't get back in this life. I love how devoted I am to the ones that I love, to the things that I care for the most.  I love how if I believe in something I give everything that I have.

I know that there are going to be days when I cry, when the pictures don't go away when my heart will break because people don't understand. My heart breaks when people leave.  Me my story my heart are too much. I am sure that others see my life as heavy and run the other way or completely ignore the things that I have on my plate daily.  I deal with them all, and still I rise.  There will be rough days and even realizing that does not make them any easier.  I still get frustrated with myself that some-days I don't make the choice to fight and for a day or two they win.  The nightmares and flashbacks some days they win and I hate that.  The days when I feel the past in my bones, in my beating heart are still unimaginable and I would give almost anything to make them go away.  In that same breath that breaks my heart, they are all the things that have gotten me to this point.  I miss so much I miss the people that have held my heart.

I hear the words that people have spoken good and bad and some days the bad ones win and some days the good ones win.

On those bad days I hear :

who would want to do that to you ? 

Well it sucks to be you, doesn't it ? 

You were always an entity unto yourself ? 

Well she should have kept her legs closed ? 

Well at least he wasn't in my bed ?   

Why didn't you tell? 

She just wanted attention....

Well just go have a milkshake..

Silence

Gods getting back at me 

And then there are the good things that have helped heal my heart : 

How are you ??

Silence and tears and an arm around me 

Anything I can do ? 

Holding my hand 

being invited even for the 1000th time

noticing I am not ok , and asking 

keeping your word being truthful

Acknowledging the hard things , being there 

being true 

I am sure the I could keep going.  There have been many things in my 42 years of life.  There is no best friend no one that is always there no one that is always on my side so I keep fighting.  And that saying its spinning in my head. 

SOME SCARS ARE JUST TO DEEP TO OVERCOME

Yes its true,  some are and that is part of what makes me ME. Some scars are too too deep but even with that I keep fighting and always remember my friend Val and her words that will be with me forever. I heart your heart.  

STILL I RISE
Maya Angelou, 1928 - 2014

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I’ll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries?

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don’t you take it awful hard
‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines
Diggin’ in my own backyard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I’ve got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history’s shame
I rise
Up from a past that’s rooted in pain
I rise
I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.