Naps

I have to say that yes, I am totally a fan of naps.  I do not sleep well at night. One of those things that I keep asking about;  will it ever go away, but its doubtful.  Just a fact I worry about the things gone by. Nightmares,  flashbacks the worrying about things that I have n control over.  So in that when I can I enjoy getting comfy in my chair.  Having my nice soft blanket, the unicorn for my head and something totally boring on TV;  those are the times that I peacefully fall asleep and can truly rest.  Today there was another piece that I realized and it made me sad.  It made me angry.  Made me feel things that I would rather not.  Naps were one of the only times I was really safe in my house growing up. 

You see naps were always a thing in my house.  kind of like an afternoon ritual.  And as safe as it was for me I was always sad for me mom.  He would make a joke and say something about a sandwich I can still hear how he would say it.  I always knew what that meant and I felt more than sorry for my mom, she was going to have to have sex with him.  That broke my heart, I never understood why she went.  I can remember ties I wanted her to stay awake with me.  They always left, closed the bedroom door.  As sad as I was for her there were times I was relieved.  I know that while they were in there I was safe and I would put something on TV I remember The Lone ranger and the rifleman.  And then as I got older there  was this crime show guy , he has a super deep voice.  So I put one of those on TV and I would curl up in ball, as small as I could and get a blanket and I knew for at least a short time he wasn't going to hurt me.  And that was pure amazing.  That was awesome.  The times when I could sleep and not worry about having to be hurt.  It wasn't dark, there was no way he could come down the hall.  There were times I couldn't sleep worried about my mom and what he was doing .  In my mind what h was doing to her were the things he did to me,  I couldn't understand why she wanted that to happen , why she didn't tell him no.  Any way that I look at it , it broke my heart.  The anger and sadness become vines in my soul.  How in the world does a little girl process that in her life.  She doesn't she only does what she can to survive.  Naps were like my own survival.

And to this day on most weekends I look forward to a nap to just peacefully fall asleep. Literally as soon as I wake up I think about getting comfy and being able to rest.  Its safe and comfy and just so much more peaceful than the dark of the night. I look forward to that time when I don't have to worry.  So yesterday I said something about a nap.  And shoulders were raised and it was like no big deal.  And my heart stopped, and I felt the need to explode I got a little short and and defensive and I was like because I like naps.  Because I want to and then in my head all these feelings were there, and this is why I more than enjoy those afternoon naps. And realizing that .... there is this OH.....MY.....GOD moment.  How does a child live like that ???  When you think its just something that you like then realize that its so much bigger than that .  It makes you sad and it makes   you realize just how affected that everything was by growing up in that house of horrors.  And yet I keep fighting I won't let him win, but even in the fighting the peace that I look for can be as simple as curling up in a ball getting as small as I possible can and taking a nap.  Oh the life. 



I heart your heart.