She Suffers and She Laughs

I am angry. NO more than angry.    People say I need to make the choice to do something different to see something different.  They say I still have nightmares and flashbacks because it's time I choose something else.Believe me Flashbacks and nightmares are not something that I choose.   They say that god is the only thing that is going to make it any better.  I am beyond words and more than angry.  People have to understand the situation before you can ignore everything and tell me that one thing is going to work.  I believe that is his heart. I believe that he believes that with all of his heart.  Me I believe something different.  I believe that there are things I need to heal I believe I still need to be understood. I believe that I need someone to help me walk through this.  He believes that god is the easy answer does he not know me, that is a very complicated answer. There are still so many knots in my head things that I am trying to figure out,things that don't make sense.  I thin most in life I want people to listen, I want to be heard.

  I have said over and over I CAN NOT do this church thing on my own.  It's not a cop out, its not an excuse, it's what I need.  Make a different choice, yes I am making different choices.  I still suffer, every day is more than hard, and often I would rather crawl in a hole.  I was speaking about the parts of me that suffer that still cry that long for things to be different.  Those are the parts that I write to him about.  I don't want answers I want to be heard. I don't want what is going to fix me, when I don't believe in the same things.  I have tried so hard to fit into that world, with those people and I don't.  I can't and won't pretend to be something that I am not.  I connect certain things in my brain and its not that I dwell on them its that is ho I think and believe me I fight my own thinking all the time and I try to figure things out differently, and oh yes sometimes often I get in my own way.  But telling me one way is the only way is more than hurtful when you know where I have come from.  Telling me to just let things go, no its not that easy.  I want to respond, but I am sure that my feelings are hurt.  Maybe I need time , he needs time.  The anger made me sad, it was just my feelings and I was upset he wasn't hearing me.  Angry hurt yea all those things.  Maybe the forever part was just done because I can't just flip a switch and I am learning that no matter how old that I get or what I accomplish there are going to be pieces of me affected and there will be more good than rough.  In those rough, I just want someone to listen.  Just hear me and let m know that I am going to be ok.  Sometimes for me there are no answers. I suffer and I laugh. I suffer and I laugh. 

I heart your heart