When your body is the enemy

Yea so many things I just got of the phone with Dr.Hopper.  OH MY GOODNEES there are so many things.  I feel like there is a hope.  I feel like there are things I can do to make things better.  And I can promise you they are things that are not going to be easy.  They are not going to be easy, because I don't really like being in my own skin. My body my skin is not a good place to be its often unsafe and almost always dangerous.

I have never really liked being in my own skin.  I have done things and avoided it at all costs.  I have gained weight, I have gotten skinny I generally have not been nice to myself or this shell that I live in.  I can think of kindness once when I found out that I was pregnant with Vincent and Mariska, I was kind to my body because they are all that mattered.  When its just me and the things that have been done, the things that hurt the things that play in my head, I hate me and the body that it was done to.  And this leads a person to very strange place, because there is no reason to care. There is such hate and disgust and there is no way to get around it, there is no way to get out of your skin.  Believe me I have done things and tried and it doesn't work.  So this hateful place has led me here.  Things on the outside are all together things on the inside are a clutter of bad dreams and mean men. My body is the enemy is attracts or repels the enemy and any way that I look at "IT" it disgusts me.  Her/ My life has been filled with monsters that I fight every second of the day and night. Maybe the part that I am missing is connecting to the body that I live in.  I can not pretend that its going to be easy or often welcomed.  I can guess that in the beginning its going to be more than hard.  But I can promise you that I am in with my whole heart and its worth a try.  When all else fails it is worth a try.

There were many things said during the conversation this morning that hit my heart. Words like, Kindness, compassion, wisdom,  embodiment, clarity, grace. weaving, burned in my soul, mindful,wishing them happy,  wishing wanting, embodied love.  OMG all those things. All those words are things that I hold dear in my heart only the problem is that I hold them for others and not myself.  Maybe its time I hold them for myself .  Except this one, this one is not meant for me and there lies a huge problem....because you see the body, MY body is the enemy.

 The body is the foundation is healing .  The body is the foundation for healing. Let that sink in. 

  When I see someone and think how I want to fight I want to protect them I want to keep them safe I want to make sure that they never feel the sad lonely feelings that I have felt.  Instead of that fight just wish them that happy. Wish them that happy that I long for.  Seems so simple.  I think I do a part of that I think that has what helped me survive all these years.  I wish those things for others,  maybe maybe I need to instead of fight I need to wish those things for me. I thanked Dr. Hopper for speaking with me .  I feel like he heard me, and that is what I need more than anything, He said that I may never lose that fight and that wasn't a bad thing.  He said remember where you were 10 years ago and look how far that you have come.  Just imagine where you will be 10 years from now ??

So here's to next steps, less fighting, more connection and as always a grateful heart.  That he even took the time to hear me and listen, that.  I heart your heart and here we go.

 I heart your heart

Thanks so much Dr.Hopper