You see its more than difficult and a lonely place to be . I don't want to write about you I don't want you to a be a part of who I am but you are and then comes what to do with that. The more you speak the more you are left alone. And left alone is the last thing that you want to be. There is a time to weep a time to let it be a time to try a time to fight, there is always a time and always more pieces to uncover and others think its a flip a switch kind of thing and its nothing of a sort. . When its in your heart to fight its not so easy, when you fight with all that you have an even sometimes more to make sure that no one ever has to feel the things that you have felt. I am not sure that others can understand the strength it takes some days just to do all the things that its necessary to do. I have to fight all the time to make sure that the past doesn't win and believe me there are times that it does and I beat myself up. Even after all this time I have a desire to be heard. I need people to hear me and be there. I know that there is no changing the things that have happened, no making them different but I need to be acknowledged and that is the rough part. I feel like lately I Need that more than anything and it is truly a pain in the ass, but its such a need, and I try so hard not to need anything, because I feel way to needy and pesky . I am not looking for an easy answer, I am not looking for a quick fix, I want someone to understand the bad days understand that I just want to know its a day and it will soon pass. I think that I keep asking the wrong questions. Will it go away what do I need to do in reality I am wondering if its ever going to go away. There will always be triggers. There will always be things that hurt my heart. No, I look forward to the day hen I don't have to write about you to figure out my heart and at the same time I am more than aware that what I write is better out of my heart than in. Maybe most probably there isn't one thing that is going to make my heart lighter that is going to make me feel whole. The answer for me isn't forgiveness, it isn't God, it isn't pretending it isn't there maybe the healing for me will come when I am seen with out asking, when I can write and be heard. When I know that I hve made a difference for another survivor, when my words and experiences are even a little freeing for them then maybe then ? I don't want to put a name to it really I think one of these days I just won't need to anymore, the hurt will not be so strong and there will be other things to fill the space. Maybe its nothing more than when my heart is ready. When my heard is READY. I don't want to write about you anymore but at least I have that. and until I don't need it I will keep writing, keep thinking , keep fighting and one day I will wake up more alive and realize all that I have overcome and how brave and strong and amazing that truly is.
You see its more than difficult and a lonely place to be . I don't want to write about you I don't want you to a be a part of who I am but you are and then comes what to do with that. The more you speak the more you are left alone. And left alone is the last thing that you want to be. There is a time to weep a time to let it be a time to try a time to fight, there is always a time and always more pieces to uncover and others think its a flip a switch kind of thing and its nothing of a sort. . When its in your heart to fight its not so easy, when you fight with all that you have an even sometimes more to make sure that no one ever has to feel the things that you have felt. I am not sure that others can understand the strength it takes some days just to do all the things that its necessary to do. I have to fight all the time to make sure that the past doesn't win and believe me there are times that it does and I beat myself up. Even after all this time I have a desire to be heard. I need people to hear me and be there. I know that there is no changing the things that have happened, no making them different but I need to be acknowledged and that is the rough part. I feel like lately I Need that more than anything and it is truly a pain in the ass, but its such a need, and I try so hard not to need anything, because I feel way to needy and pesky . I am not looking for an easy answer, I am not looking for a quick fix, I want someone to understand the bad days understand that I just want to know its a day and it will soon pass. I think that I keep asking the wrong questions. Will it go away what do I need to do in reality I am wondering if its ever going to go away. There will always be triggers. There will always be things that hurt my heart. No, I look forward to the day hen I don't have to write about you to figure out my heart and at the same time I am more than aware that what I write is better out of my heart than in. Maybe most probably there isn't one thing that is going to make my heart lighter that is going to make me feel whole. The answer for me isn't forgiveness, it isn't God, it isn't pretending it isn't there maybe the healing for me will come when I am seen with out asking, when I can write and be heard. When I know that I hve made a difference for another survivor, when my words and experiences are even a little freeing for them then maybe then ? I don't want to put a name to it really I think one of these days I just won't need to anymore, the hurt will not be so strong and there will be other things to fill the space. Maybe its nothing more than when my heart is ready. When my heard is READY. I don't want to write about you anymore but at least I have that. and until I don't need it I will keep writing, keep thinking , keep fighting and one day I will wake up more alive and realize all that I have overcome and how brave and strong and amazing that truly is. 
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