Guess who is coming to Dinner ?

That was the text that I received at work.  What who ? What are you talking about ?  So many thoughts so many things and where do I begin.  There was excitement, there was sadness, there was worry. My brother was coming to dinner.  It has been year since I have seen him. Just that it happened so many things to process.

SO that was weeks ago its now 11-11.  I have been thrown under the bus, I have balled my eyes out on my way to work, I have felt less than and more than overwhelmed.  All of the things that we said would happen if he ever moved here yes all those things have happened. 

The second day that was here my mom gave him a key ?  WHAT ?  This is my house he has had nothing to do with me in years and you give him a key.  That is not ok and it hurts my heart that is not understood.  He lives a different way of life.  I have fought so hard where I am and I feel like he has come and not only shaken things but turned them inside outside upside down and my inner self is suffering.  I am learning that we are not enough here, what we have for him isn't enough, its not what he wants, and that is just like everything before I was never enough.  We are strong and don't do the BS that he is accustomed to.  He talks to hear himself talk. I was here for him so he could get back on his feet not to be used for the in between.  The hurt there is so much hurt in my bones and I don't even know what to do with it. He comes eats , sleeps then leaves. Victoria has this hold on him that I can not understand or want to . He is used there not listened to, its a different life where there is no real respect, or care or concern and there is drama each and every day. 

I don't do drama, its not good for my heart I have worked more than hard to eliminate that, and he brings so much each and every day.  There is not much positive, everything is a joke and everything is funny.  He makes excuses for everything, for everyone and every bad behavior and that just is not ok.  He has ruined my library, his things are everywhere and he has yet to clean things up. The mud from his boots cover the entry way and its not even a thought to clean it up.  This is my beautiful house and I am fining that I want to come home and hide in my room in my own house.  I don't want hear the drama, the BS the talking just to talk.  I talk if I truly have something to say.  It's more than hard having him here.  I thought that he wanted to change make things better, but he is stuck in a place that I don't understand.  He needs to decide do you want to be here and be supported and loved or be there because I can not be the in-between.  In the end I am once again the one that is going to get my heart broken.  I honestly don't know what to do.  He has his apartment but his heart is not there his couch and bed are there . His pots and pans are there but nothing else.  I don't like being the in-between the afterthought.   

I know that so much of this hits my heart where its already broken ,  not being enough always coming in second and I hate that place. At the same time I feel like that is the exact place that I am living in.  I was so hopeful when he was coming, maybe he isn't ready.   Poor Mariska was crying that hard cry all the way home Friday, the tension, the drama in the air its something that Vincent and Mariska don't have in their life.  The energy that he brings is so draining , and its the holidays.  I want to enjoy the season; I want enjoy every second and not have to worry and  walk on egg shells. 

I have worked so very hard to get to where I am and where my mom and I have gotten and it feels as if I am holding all these tangled threads that no one else is even really noticing. Such a tangled web, we are on the outside trying to help but that pull is so strong its something I can't compete with and at this point if the toll on me is so great do I really want to ?  Choices have to be made.  No easy easy answers for this family of mine. 

I heart your heart