Homecoming 2018

There are so many things.   I just want things different for my kids.  I want them to experience the things that I never have. But it was hard, Even with my own kids today I still felt like an outsider.  I was more than close to tears, I lost count as to how many times. Part of me that was more than exited I got teary when I picked up Sol's corsage it was beautiful and I was excited for her.  I think that I was more excited about it than anyone. My heart was hurting and I was more than excited for Vincent. Mariska and I had a blast, I smiled for her, got special treats we always have fun no matter what we are doing.  Even if its waiting in a parking lot for hours at a time. We make things work and we laugh oh my goodness we laugh.  Nothing I do is enough for Vincent,  he doesn't talk to me.  Maybe its because he is 14 maybe he doesn't have anything to say maybe its something else.  But how he treats me often breaks my heart.  I do all that I know and more, I would give him my last limb, and often that isn't enough, that part breaks my heart. I don't understand the fun and exciting, I don't understand the boyfriend/ girlfriend thing I have never experienced those things and can not share in the gladness.   I have never been to a dance, never dated a boy, never gotten flowers, or been asked on a date; never had the chance for teenage crushes, those are things I don't know or can even understand.  I just wanted to be included take some pictures I am more than excited that he gets to experience these things even though my heart is breaking that I never did.

 I wanted her to have the flowers that I never got.  

And I think right there that says it all.  From the outside looking in I wanted a small spot. 

I heart your heart