For the new Year , time to care for my heart

May we honor It

I don't give a damn

Wishing you unimaginable amounts of happiness.

These are the things that I am going to hold onto through out this year.

May we honor it came from a song. One of those songs that stops you in your tracks and you listen over and over thinking OMG this is it, these are the words this is my heart YES THIS.

I believe that there is a lot of hard work ahead of me this year.  I have never been one to step back or stop because something is hard .  I think this is going to be one of those years, I think I am going to look back and find that I have found some of the things that I most want.   This year its not about the things I worry about and all the ways that I worry people will see me and I don't want to be pesky and a bother.  It can not be about the things that I don't want but about the things I do want.

I want to find healing I want to find that place where my heart can rest.  I want to find that place where I am comfortable in my own skin. I want to be able to stand tall and know that I don't have all the answers but know that I will never stop searching.  I want to make a difference I want to keep writing until the cringe is gone in all that has happened to my heart and soul.  I want to be proud of myself for the fight that I have for the strength to keep going.  A friend said just last week do you realize that some people would not have survived?  I shrugged thinking of coarse they would , but those words that used to vanish have stuck around and are trying to find their place. I want to be able to stand in that; I want to be proud that I am a fighter and that I made it somehow someway I lived. I want to be proud that I survived and know that I am not less of a person because of the things that have happened..  Too often these days surviving is more than shameful,  I want to change that.  I still would rather crawl in a hole than acknowledge the things that have happened.  I rake myself over the coals for the parts I am unable to remember for the details that have done everything to make them fit inside a nice neat box where I can pretend they don't hurt me anymore.  Sometimes I pretend to be this strong warrior that wont let them win, but there are still moments that they do.  Moments when the memories still pierce my soul and I just want some reassurance that I am not as awful as the memories in my head.

I heart your heart .