To me its not just a book

I am more than frustrated more than upset.  I walked into Vincent's room and there was a Jesus Calling book .  I can tell you that my blood started to boil in 2.1 seconds.  How dare my mother buy him that book and think it was ok. You do not get to treat people the way that he does and that be ok.  You don't get to be unkind and read a book like that.  If you are going to read a book like that then you have to do certain things you have to reach out to others you have to be real honest and true in every sense of the word.  You have to think before you say things. You have to build others up and not tear them down.  This is so much more than just a book.  Like this is something who a person is not something that a person can read because its the cool thing to do.

I know that my  responses are huge but growing up the way that I did with religion and God.  I have a right to be angry and upset and confused.  I think that my views on religion are different because if you claim to believe in those things than there are certain things that a person should and shouldn't do .  If you are going to talk about kindness and doing what God tells you to do, then ignore and pretend that all is well. I expect certain things if you claim to believe and pretend that you are better then me. If you are going to read a book like that your actions need to meet the words. 

I think think no I am sure that I ave a different view . I believe that if you say you are those things that you should act and be a certain way.  I can not tell you the number of times that I have reached out to someone who says that they are christian and regularly go to church and I have been hurt beyond belief.  I knew from the time I was very young that church was not something for me.  When you are having things happen in your own house that you can't understand and you have to go to church and you see two different versions of your own father the confusion is unimaginable.  When you all have to say your prayers at night and hold hands and your only prayer to god is to die so you don't have to be hurt anymore.  That is something serious.  When reading a book about peace and kindness and get laughed at  because its not what they believe.  It's a youth group leader saying that she  doesn't believe you.  Because your just fat and unpopular who would do that.  The priest , a fucking priest that comes into my home and says well I didn't believe it anyway talking about me pressing charges on my father.  All those things, all those things.  And that is as a teenager, not even counting being an adult.

I tried so hard to fit into that world.  I wanted to belong, I wanted it to be real but all I was shown was hypocrites that all walk in the same circle speaking the same talk but their actions do not match their words.  I am so over being judged because I believe in the blue sky and the little bird. I believe in the pelican, that came to visit me on my loneliest day.  I believe in the blue sky, and the breeze in the trees.   I believe in the whales that truly gave me a reason a live, they gave me a purpose.  I will not be judged for what I believe, for what is in my heart for the things that make me happy.  I am not lesser of a person because I don't believe the way that others do.  Never once have I said anything about what others believe.  You have to do what works for you.      I believe that a person has to do what is right for them.  I believe that a person has to be everything true and real you can not believe one thing and throw barbs. 

I heart your heart.