Today is the 22 and I feel it in my bones. I feel it coming, the feelings, emotions and my heart ,me heart feels fragile and tender yet so grateful. My heart also feels sad. That sad , the kind that aches and weighs a ton!
Today in History was the day that Valerie and Neil gave me a voice. They heard me, they helped me they cared ever so gently for my heart.
Today in History was the day that I took a plea in the case against my father. I couldn't do it on my own anymore, I wasn't ok and couldn't pretend to be.
Today those things have made me the person that I am. Today I am stronger, Today I have learned so many things and come so very far.
Today I feel like there should be some deep words, some amazing piece of advise or something great to say and there is not.
The pictures of both days are so very vivid .
Standing in the hall, with that blue accent wall. My brother laying on the floor his feet up on the couch watching TV. My mother giving me a hug, telling me it was all over. I stood there feeling nothing . Al that I went through, so much I wanted to accomplish and just like that it was over. No real justice. I wanted more.
Then so many years later, being heard. Being held up and listened to. Tears cried for all that little girl lost. I felt so loved. There were no secrets in that room and I wasn't less of a person, I was strong and courageous. I was brave. Those feelings are so very hard to hold onto.
Today at times, things seems so surreal. I wish that I didn't hold all the memories that I do, with such clarity. There are days I wish I was back in the room with those people so I could fall apart and know that they would help me find and put those pieces back together.
Today at times, I wish I said no I will not take a plea we are going to trial and he is going to pay. I am going to make sure he never ever hurts another child.
Today I can not do either one of those things.
Today that has to be ok.
Today, I can hold on to those amazing memories with those people and have a gratefulness in my heart that is unimaginable. People like me don't get to experience a caring like that often, and I will forever and always cherish my time with them.
Today I can think about the things I wish that I had said and done talking to DA and also know that there was nothing left for me to do. After speaking with Neil , they probably never intended my case to go to trial anyway.
Today I am just going to be. Be the person that I am . The crazy Callahan who is passionate about doing things different and making sure that no one has to feel the things that I have.
I heart your heart.
No comments:
Post a Comment