Too many memories

 

There are times that the memories just win. Lately it feels like they are winning, they are beating me and I am exhausted. Sometimes no matter what you do, they are just there relentless and ever so clear. Every song a memory, every sound a reminder. Today they were so many and my heart is more than tired. Some things are so clear, down to the detail and other things have these huge holes that just don't make sense. Last night was a night full of nightmares. The kind that even after you wake up, they still take your breathe away. This morning I am covered in Bruises. All these years later and I am still fighting in my sleep.  I wake up to the sounds of shattering glass, as tornadoes are looming in the distance, I know they are coming, for a second I think that I am safe, then the shattering and as I try to get my footing the floor starts to fill with blood.  There is no winning in this situation.  I am covered in Blood, the shattering I can still hear the crackling,  the falling its so clear and more than vivid.  And these tornadoes that are coming are the deadly destructive kind and I am stuck there is no safe place, there is no where to hide, because tornadoes like this destroy everything in its path down to the foundation. 

Those are the kind of things that I am fighting things that could destroy right down to the very person that we are. 

I wake up and still feel how I was held down and tied up.  I feel the ropes, and try to pull my legs free. All I hear is laughing, and the chanting . Sound I will never ever forget.  The cramps in my legs because I fought so hard trying to get free; it just wasn't enough, and soon there is no more fighting and things come as they may.  There is a piece of a person that dies when that happens.  Sometimes there is so much fighting, so much trying to get away, to stop the violation  and just like that there is nothing.  I am so far away, into the blackness, no light no sound, no pain. A place of great darkness and there is nothing. 

I dread sleep lately because the things I still see are terrifying, the things I hear and feel are enough to make anyone want to crawl out of their skin.  That is a problem; this is the only body and skin that  I have and its been used and abused before it ever knew safe and kind . its a certain kind of tattoo that may fade, but its always there.  I fear the things that 13 year old Callahan survived.  They say you already survived, but this place I am in doesn't feel like surviving at all.  

So much in my sleep and someone once said it was a choice, and that has always bothered me.  I am just trying to sleep trying to find some peace.  Because whether my eyes are open or closed my monsters are always there.  I am doing everything that I can, to make my way through this unimaginable. I was talking to a friend tonight who is an author and said his story was a fighter story,  that's what I am looking for.  I am fighting to find my fighter story, where I can feel like I have finally won. This place that I am in right now doesn't feel anything like winning . Where I am feels much more like I am drowning.  I need a break from the pictures, the feelings. I don't want to hear their words, feel their hands anymore.  So I keep going, this is just a time, I have to keep going it will get better. 

I heart your heart.