Unrelenting hurt

 I don't know where to start or what to say really. I start talking about that 13 year old and there are things that I don't know how to say, that I am not even sure that I have words for. It feels like I have hit a very hard unrelenting  wall , and I am frustrated and overwhelmed .  There are so many things that I don't have words for, that often even my memory fails.  I feel it in my bones, I wake up and my body hurts from things that I don't remember.  My body hurts with out any reason why, the nightmares are pictures and pieces that I do remember, and in the morning, everything hurts.  I want to close my eyes and curl up in a ball, because there are no reasons for these things.  There is no reason why , and it's frustrating.  I was older and things hurt less . yet in my nightmares when  I wake up things hurt so much more.  I am trying so hard to understand,  all of the pieces and parts of me and make peace with them, then have them all be a part of me.  But there are pieces I am not sure that I want. I don't want that 13 year old's pain and suffering.  I don't want her memories, I don't want to know and understand the things that she survived.  There is a knowing in my head, but my heart wants nothing to do with that part.  I fear that somehow there will be an implosion of my insides and I will disintegrate into millions of tiny pieces that will never get put back together. The weight of that is so immensely heavy it is more than difficult to even breathe.  Sitting here writing, there are no tears, but that soul sad is so much in every word, every letter i type.  There is a heaviness inside that I want to run, as far away and as fast as I can to get at least some kind of reprieve.  My heart , I feel every beat and I want to be anywhere else.  I worry that this is the piece, that I won't make it through. I worry if this is the piece that will be my undoing, that will finally once and for All break me into millions of pieces.  I know some of these things also fit before I connected with little Callahan but this also feels different in many ways. She had an innocence that every child has. I just am not able to see that later on.  !3 year old Callahan made so many decisions and wanted so much to belong and be a part and she paid the price. 

I am not sure what someone like me does when there are so many things that are too heavy for any heart to bare.  When I need too much time and attention than any one person deserves.  I need someone to tell me its ok and that they are not going anywhere,  I need so much.  I need so much care right now and I don't feel like its ok to ask for it.  It more than bothered me the other day when there was so much anger, my only choice was to grab my own face until I felt something other than the anger and loss of control I felt with my whole being.