Not many feathers left

 

I am struggling, and I have few feathers left to share.  I am exhausted beyond every level, and I am hoping that things will change.  Every day I look for that Glimpse that my sweet, amazing Vincent has come home.  I am not sure where he went, where he left or why he left really.  I think there were a string of things that led him astray and he won't let anyone in to help him find his way back.  I was really struggling the other day.  He was going to have lunch with one of his friend's mom.  I understood the why, but I was crushed.  Later that night, when I asked him about it, I was met with no understanding and not a care for his own mother's heart.  I was crying that hard cry, he didn't even care.  I told him how much that I missed him, and that I didn't understand that he was going to lunch with someone else's mom and yet wouldn't give me the time of day.  There was excuse after excuse and after each one I told him that he was missing the point.  I told him that I try every day when I pick him up from work, when I ask about his day when he comes downstairs.  I told him that I wish I knew why he shut me out.  I told him how much I loved him and how I missed him.  There was nothing, he didn't hear my words, he didn't care that I was crushed.   

I understand that life is hard for him.  I understand he has challenges that I will never understand.  He has faced things that no 18-year-old should have to worry about.  He has lost so many people in his life.  His weightlifting coach, his grandmother and his best friend.  That is a lot, and it is understandable that he would struggle. I understand how sad that those things have been in his life, but he must make a choice to be different to do things different.   

Since my mother died, I have been blacklisted.  I wish that I understood why, I wish I knew his reasons so we could talk about them and figure them out.  In his mind I became enemy number one when she passed away.  He listened to other words about me.  He listened to things that my mother said about me.  He listened to others and has yet to have a conversation with me.  There are so many things that he needs to understand.  So many things that I want to say that he is not ready for.  He can be sitting less than two feet away and is unable to hear me.  That breaks my heart. 

I will never give up on him, I will forever and always keep trying.  But there are also times that my heart is so crushed that I cannot see a time beyond that.  He is more hurtful than I ever imagined my own son would ever be.  I have missed out on big things because he didn't want me there, didn't want me to be a part.  There are times I feel he is embarrassed by me and wishes I was someone else. He wishes I was different I was someone else and that feelings cuts like a knife. He rarely if ever will even look at me, when he does, he tries to stare through me, and that literally kills me. There is not an ounce of feeling in his eyes for me. I try so hard to comprehend why he hates me so very much. 

I have missed out on Graduation celebrations; I have missed out on dances and high school milestones.  Even the memorial for his friend, I wanted to go for Vincent for Caleb's parents, and he didn't want me there, I was told it was his friends and he didn't want me.  

My heart breaks because he means the world to me.  I am sorry that his life isn't easier.  I am sorry that he got me for a mom. I could write for days at all the things that I am sorry for.  I wish that I could give him the world, the things that he longs for, and I cannot. 

So, I keep doing all that I can.  I keep talking to him whether he hears me or not.  I will keep talking, keep trying until my very last breath and he understand just how very important that he is. I hope that someday soon he will come around, let me in even a little and enjoy the person that I am.  I hope someday he can appreciate all that I have given up for him and all the things that I would do over and over just to have him as my son.  

I love you I love you I love you 

Your mom 

I heart your heart.