The bigness

 There are so many things, and my heart is more than heavy.  Today after all this time, My past feels like it was yesterday.  The memories and pictures in my head are as clear today as they were the days that they happened.  I am living breathing here today and there are pieces of my mind that keep replaying the things of the past.  I really wish that I had an understanding of the why's and the how's.  I want to let go, make it go away, make it hurt less and yet the things that have happened to me are like those little stickers that used to stick in your feet during the summer as a kid.  When you think that you have removed them all there are more.

I feel terrible that my mind refuses to let go, that I still replay parts and pieces trying to come to some understanding. My mind gets in these loops and all I can see are the things that I have barely survived. Things that are so big there are times that I wish that I didn't.   I have been told many unhelpful things, that only added to the ache in my heart. Nothing that was ever offered acknowledged the bigness of the things that I went through. I was told the only way to heal is Church, that he didn't know of anything else to make things better. Wow thanks for the advice since church was a place that tried to cover my wounds and pretend, they didn't happen. The men that gang raped me were men that I met at a youth weekend.  Don't you dare tell me to believe in something that let so many unbearable things happen to a girl.    Yea, no thanks.  I have been told that God was the only answer.  Maybe for some that does work, and I am glad.  For me I prayed at 5 not to wake up another morning.  I said my prayers every night, now I lay me down to sleep begging just to let me die.   Medicine, because let's just cover everything up and pretend that all is well with the world.  I was told that I was the one holding on and dwelling on it. The nightmares my fault.  The flashbacks also my fault.  I have been told all of those things, and I was the one who was just dwelling it. There was never an understanding of how big that the things that happened to me are.  My entire life I have listened to all those words; blamed myself made myself small because I mean come on if these things keep happening to me there must be a reason Right?!?  

If all of these people keep telling me that I am the problem, I am the reason that I am not healing then isn't the problem with me?  I have spent my entire life making the things that happened to me Small, making them my fault, making them no big deal.  The things that I have said to myself, you would not believe.   By the time that I was raped at 13, I was angry that it even bothered me, those things had been done since I was 5; I should just close my eyes go away and everything would be fine.  I am angry that I am still so affected.  I am angry that there were never people to acknowledge the bigness of the things that went on in my life.  

I told Mark last week if I could have just met him 34 years ago the course of my life would be so very different.  If I was able to feel and heal and feel love and support and care.  My heart would be in a much better place.  If my heart was heard instead of pushed aside.  If someone heard the things that I was unable to say, today would be a different story. 

I do not want to dwell on the things that didn't happen I do have Mark today and I will forever be grateful.  I get those things that I so needed as a little girl when he hears my questions, reads my writing and is thoughtful how he words things how he asks questions. He is careful with my heart, never adding any more ache.  Growing up there were so many people that were more that careless with that little girl's heart and soul.  Today my heart is cared for, there are still so many gaping wounds, and big holes but never am I brushed aside.  Never am I made to feel small and insignificant.  I truly think that Mark does understand the bigness in ways that no one ever has.  Piece by piece he points me in the direction, and I can see some of the bigness now more than ever and its hard it's terrifying, but I am not alone.  

The pictures are so clear so vivid, the stupid little details that I can recall like the back of my hand.  Then there are really big things that I don't remember and don't want to; but the feelings are there. The kind of feelings that Chip away at the person you are and the person you are trying to become that were so devastating my entire world went black. I was in a safe place far away.  The bigness of those things even though there isn't a picture or a memory, the bigness of those things lurks like the nothing in the Never-Ending story. 

Lately I feel the bigness.  The things I have clear memories of; the things that I don't and everything in-between. There are days where no matter what I am doing at any second, it becomes a reminder of something hurtful. I do my best to keep those things at bay but sometimes it's just so overwhelming.  I want to be normal; I want a day to be a day in the here and now and not memories and pictures of awfulness.  Some days, maybe even a lot of days lately it's a real struggle. So many days even everyday things that are so innocent and simple become something huge for me. There are days that I watch law and order SUV thinking that maybe I am going to hear those magic words that will make all the pieces fall together and make me whole.  The bigness of the things in my life makes me feel like the scarecrow in the wizard of OZ.  There are pieces of me over there and over there and over there.  I look forward to the days when each and every part of me is with me, and together we can be a complete whole person. I look forward to that day when I am just a girl.  

I don't see the girl, I don't see her just for her in all of her uniqueness, I see what has happened; what has been done and how she has been treated.  I look forward to the day, I am no longer parts and pieces but a whole real girl who has endured, who has thrived and who can finally make her dreams come true.  Someday Someday, little 13-year-old Callahan.  You got a shitty deal in this life, and I am fighting to make it better for you. 

I heart your heart