Such deep wounds

 Such deep wounds.  There are times I feel like I am making progress. I can see Joy; I even think I am as close to happy as I have ever been. I am making connections and fitting pieces together.  Then there are times that this overwhelming sadness takes over and I don't even know how I am still standing. I have been staying busy; staying so busy then it all hits.   Somehow yesterday when everything seemed so ok, all things come to a crashing halt, and I feel like I could fall to pieces.  

There are just things that hurt, my heart hurts and I wonder if that is going to be a natural state.  I think that there are just things that are going to be.  I think that there are just parts of me that are never going to recover.  I am not sure how I feel about that.  Part of me thinks that I acknowledge and know that it will make things easier.  There is another part that thinks well that is sad to think that, that state of sad about all the things that happened is just a part of me.  I just don't know really.  It is not like I am like oh poor me this will never go away.  It is just an acceptance that there are things I will never understand.  There are things that I will just have in my head sometimes a gentle ache and other times a raging volcano and I just have to take each one as they surface.  I am not saying that I won't find happy, that isn't it at all.  It is just that there are pieces that there is no repair for, there are pieces that will just never fit.  

My brother has been distant and quiet.  I reach out but get not much back.  He understands little about my life and where I am coming from.  His distance is hard, but I can't fight for something if there is no response.  I texted him last night and he said he would call.  I was furious.  I told him that he was not allowed to say that to me.  I cannot wait for calls that don't happen.  Call when you are able, when you want to but do not tell me something then do nothing.  The last three times he was supposed to come over, he has decided not to show.  I cannot live my life like that. I just won't.  I have things on my plate that I have to deal with too, if you want to be in my life learn about me and enjoy my family, I would love that; if you don't, don't pretend to care and don't tell me things that you don't mean.  I am not broken but my heart is tender and needs care.  I will not accept anything else.  I will not add any more hurt to my already bruised heart. I will not be treated as an option.  I know I am not first and that has to be ok even if it hurts but I will not have my family disregarded.  

It is coming up on the year anniversary of my mom dying and there are a lot of emotions there.  Hard to believe that it has been a year.  Hard to believe that I am grateful because I can't imagine how my life would be otherwise.  There is guilt that I don't miss her.  There is guilt that I wish things were so very different.  I did not wish her to die, but for me it was a blessing, she made my life hard.  She didn't understand me and didn't want to learn.  She didn't understand the person that I was or wanted to be and your mom is the person that you want to understand you more than anyone. I feel more than alone in this world.  I just wish there was a way for me to accept this place that I am in.  I will always keep fighting for all that I want but there will be sharp pieces and there has to be some kind of acceptance so that I don't just dwell on them.  It's a balance I am trying to figure out.  

So many deep fractures so very early, and here I am still standing.  Maybe there are parts of me realizing just how alone I have been most of my life.  Now there is an awareness and I want things to be different.  I want people around; I want to share who I am.  There are times when I am terrified, but I even want to be seen. I want to find happily ever after and yet I am not sure that is meant for me. 

Lately there is so much more sad than anything else.  I am tired; I am so very tired.  And these next months are going to be hard.  And there is just me and yet I keep going.  

As I am uncovering more pieces, things are more intertwined than I ever imagined.  It was not like mt father.  And Randomly Albert then another Random weekend and somehow those men knew that I was home alone.  To many coincidences and I am struggling to understand that.  One piece leads to another to another and each one is worse than the one before.  So much started with my parents they set me up for so much heartache and pain.  I am just learning that there are going to be things that never make sense that always hurt my heart.  Nothing in my life was as it should have been.  And people were not there to love and protect me, keep me safe and sound.  

I will always keep working, I will always continue to heal but I will also be aware that there are moments that will always sting, and moments that will always hurt.  With wounds as deep as mine, it would take lifetimes and I only have this one.  So, I heal, find joy where I can and keep moving one foot in front of the other.

I heart your heart.