I can't even tell you how long it has been since it has been there. That blaring sign on my head that is a reminder of all the gross and disgusting that has been done. It's been years like a lot of years. But the other day in Wal-Mart I felt it again. And it took me by surprise, I wasn't expecting it at all. It stopped me in my tracks, and I wanted to shrink, I wanted to hide. It felt like everyone could see that 13-year-old girl, her wounds her bruises her disgusting self and I didn't know what to do. I have fought so hard to remove that sign. I have fought to feel normal and not feel like the things that have happened to me are blaring in neon lights. I thought that I smashed that light never for it to return. But it did and it came back in a big way. I was talking Wednesday, and this is the longest week after week I have talked about her and life at 13 if even in a small way and then this happens. I go between realizing what a big deal that things were and trying to make them small and tell myself that things were not as bad as they seem. I am not sure which one is better. But my heart hurt all the same. It is crazy because it literally feels like everyone can see the things that have happened. Every face that I see I wonder do they know can they see the things that I feel. It's like the Scarlett letter that is blaring from the inside out. I know no one can see anything different, I feel more vulnerable, I feel more wide open and its scary. I become that person looking around every corner making sure that they aren't there. And the scary part is that I don't even think that they would look the same today. Then everyone could be them and I am scared all the time.
Yesterday was the biggest panic attack that I have had in a long time. We were going to Nebraska to look at an oven and a couch. We left late, and it being a holiday weekend, it was crazy crowded. I literally panicked and we left. There were too many people and the thought of the sign on my head and so many people, I just couldn't. After all the time I couldn't even go into a store, the panic that I felt was so intense and so real and really there was no reason. And the day just got worse and worse.
I would know Andy; I think that I might know Don but the others I am not so sure. Like I knew good and bad, but the others just played along and did what they were told. I hate feeling like this, I hate being so scared I hate that all this time later, I can remember them taking turns over and over, I can remember their laughing I can remember that even when I couldn't move anymore, they were still humiliating me. When I feel that sign blaring on my head, I feel like that 13-year-old girl, and she literally just wants to hide. She doesn't want anyone to see her, she doesn't want to talk she just wants her body not to hurt, she wants the nightmares to stop so she can sleep, and she wants to stop being so afraid that they might show up around the corner. When that sign is blaring it is like I am always in eminent danger. That If I am not careful, if I am too loud, too much of anything I could be hurt by them again. After all this time I cannot believe how big that fear is. That 13-year-old is scared all the time. ALL. THE. TIME. She never gets any rest never has any peace. I cannot fathom surviving what she did. I do not know how she cleaned everything u including herself and kept living. Even the things I remember that they did, and I want to go away, I feel like she has all the pieces and is devastated. She is devastated by the things that they did and all that they took from her. She is so very sad. She doesn't understand why they hurt her so badly and why they didn't leave her alone. It was a never-ending fear, even as she graduated and moved on to college that fear of them was constant.
I think of Mariska being 18. She isn't afraid of anything. She walked to 7-11 one day. She walked for her job interview and there was not a single ounce of fear. There is a part of me that is blown away by that. She is safe and isn't afraid. I don't remember a second of not being afraid.
I am angry, and so very sad that I don't remember any long stretch of time when I wasn't afraid. That is not a wat to live. And lately with that sign blaring, once again I am reminded of all that was taken and in all the ways that I never got a to be a kid. That was an exceptional amount of time to be afraid. Like why they couldn't have done what they did and just moved on. Fine hurt me, then move on and never think about me again. They couldn't do that, and I desperately want to understand. They had to taunt and terrify me for such a long time. Thinking about it I was 13 when I met them, and I was 18 in college they were still lurking. Maybe it was a coincidence, but they knew I was scared, and they liked it., didn't they have anything better to do? I only saw them a few times at Collin, and that was enough. But that fear was always there. I was so afraid all the time. That 13-year-old girl lived with so much shame and fear and that was a constant for a very long time. I was in my 30's before i felt like that sign was off my head and yet here, I am again. It is a feeling that is so dark and so debilitating. It makes me feel worthless and used. Poor girl, I am just so sorry for all she had to endure. I wish I could smash the memories and the feelings for her. I wish that I could take away the things she remembers, about them about what they did about how they kileed parts of her so sweet soul. My heart breaks for her.
There was a therapist on Facebook and his thoughts were that there is a part of a person that trauma doesn't touch. Like there is a part a piece that is untouchable. And I watched it more than once and I wanted to scream, because I can tell you there is not a single part of who that 13-year- old girl was or would have been that wasn't untouched. There is not a single part of her that survived untouched. It changed and destroyed everything, and I will spend the rest of my life rebuilding all that was taken.
I heart your heart
No comments:
Post a Comment