I am soaked in Sadness

 

There are so many things that are flowing that are feeling that are there in my heart.   It's amazing these walls that I have up then just like that, I hear a song like this and there is feeling and power and even hope renewed.  Sometimes for me there are moments of feeling that are just so freeing.  Today this was one of them.   This has been my favorite CD, since it came out a little over a week ago and today finally really listening it; it hit and this song is more than I could have ever imagined.  The singer was hurt, no he was more than hurt he was sexually abused as a child and this was part of his path to healing. This song. I think I have cried most of the afternoon.  His words so true, real and honest.  His words hit me in the heart and the tears just won't stop.  I keep singing this song at the top of my lungs waiting for there to be some kind of relief for the so deep sadness, that just won't go away that fills every cell, every bone every molecule of my being. 

I am still soaked in the sadness of all the things that have happened to me. I am literally stuck there soaking drenched in the sadness of all that was taken all that was missed out on and all that I never got to experience.   I am fighting so hard to overcome them and sometimes it seems it's a losing battle.  The sadness is so overwhelming, and all encompassing.  

To begin again.  That is what I want, and I have forgotten how.  Because all that was taken all that was done, I don't know how to live without the shame and disgustingness of all the things that were my life.  I don't know how to say those words I don't know how to be free when that is what I want more than anything.  I don't know how to live ,  there has to be some kind of beginning again and I am not sure what that looks like.  So many things that still have such a tight grip on my soul.  I don't know how to be a person outside of all the things that have been done.  I don't know how to be a happy person because that is just who I want to be. 

Sometimes I want nothing more to feel and I can't, and somewhere in my head I think well if it was that bad, then why don't you feel it ! I do feel it, but I see it in pictures and memories and smells today, there was real feeling.  Today there was feeling and hope that and something that I can't even give words too.  Sometimes when someone can give words to something when you don't have any that just hits so very different.  To be open and honest and not have to hold it on your own, that is big. 

I just keep listening, keep feeling and keep waiting for the moment when I can finally begin again. That sadness is so very heavy.  Feeling isn't easy but it would make things better.  I have to feel to find that beginning.  I can't keep it hidden keep it bottled up.  It feels like a so slow death even as I am trying to move forward.  I fear breaking in the feeling.  I am not sure I can find the healing I am looking for without it.  

This song was so freeing for me, like I felt like a ton of bricks was lifted off my chest.  Not just lifted but smashed and that is everything.  

I heart your heart