Rough Patch : She always is

 

Things always seem to get more difficult when I am trying to get close and understand her.  She is this ball of fire, that is strong and capable yet soft, vulnerable. She carries a sadness that is unbearable.  I am learning to see her not as the women that I always have but the girl who was that way because that was all that she knew to be.  When I am really trying to embrace her, the bruises get worse, the nightmares get worse as if that is even possible. When she is around everything feels 100 times heavier from the little things to the big things. She holds a darkness, maybe it's the darkness that I talk about.  When things were so bad, and the entire world went black.  Yea that, she holds that.  I believe she has always held that to protect me.  I feel like I need to be on a beach somewhere, with the waves crashing and the sand at my feet to soften the blows of all her experiences.  Somehow the ocean has always been her friend when things were bigger than her.  The ocean was her safety and protector.  I need that.  I wish that I could gather my favorite people and bring them to a place that is all ours so I can get close enough to grab her and hold her and tell her that everything is going to be ok.  I wish there could be some kind of transfer, so she can run free, playing in the waves. I hope maybe she can run with little Callahan and enjoy all the things that she never thought were meant for her.  Then I can take what was never hers to carry and share it with those people around me, and they can love me through the ugly.  They can hold me while I cry.  They can hold space when I need the silence and then together when we are finished, when all the dark places have seen the light.  When all the shadows have been spoken about then we can all celebrate and bury the pain and hurt in the deepest sand and all dance together; because all we see is the light and the good things that are ahead.  

When I think about her it feels so lonely like we are so different that no one can ever understand.  I have to remember that I must do it in little pieces because I am still living.  I think that sometimes we both forget that those dark things that happened didn't kill us. There were many many times that we wish they did because the pain and hurt that they caused is just that damaging but we are still here alive!  Often, we freeze in the memories like they are happening in the here and now.   I am still alive; What was supposed to kill me didn't and now I am here to heal the pieces.  Pieces of me and pieces of her.  And together we can find the happy that we long for.  There are so many emotions and feelings, and the tears seem to be coming all the time.  Her sadness is leaking into my day to day. So these are just some things that are pictures into our hearts; into the heavy things that we are carrying right now.  We are trying so hard to be brave and strong.  We are doing our best navigating this healing that we want more than anything.  But the healing is harder than the hurt.

I look forward to the day when I no longer question whether I am worthy or not.  I look forward to the day that I am can be comfortable in my own skin, despite the things that have happened, despite all the things that others have said and done.  I fear I may be 90, but with all that I am I keep trying to find that worth.

I will be glad when that need to  be fixed to feel whole lessens and I can just be.  Sometimes I want so much to be understood that either people leave or I just remove myself pretending.  I am so over pretending, with myself with everyone and someday I hope that makes a difference. I want to be happy too.

Oh the noise in my head.  I hear other words and opinions and views and I take them all in.  I need to learn that there is enough negative inside for many lifetimes; I need to let things go that are not meant for me that don't feel right that don't bring me peace.  I want to hear more of those voices that are kind constant and true.

I am such a watcher.  I am a sideline sitter because, I feel it to be so much safer.  Yes, safer but at what cost.  You watch life so afraid because you know that one more thing and you could be broken forever.  Such a struggle. Wanting to belong and fearing the hurt.  For me often they are one in the same. 

Yes, A car crash in my bones.  A tragedy that is mine that I just cannot look away from.  Every second I am trying to find some kind of rhyme and reason. Something that I could have done differently to not be so damaged. I hate myself because I am working so hard, and it is taking me so long. I think there are good things out there for me and more often than not I am the one that gets in the way.  I hate that there is such a grip that I long to make things make sense when in every bone I know that there is no sense at all.  

There is a place in my head where all the things are on repeat.  I see them as clear as I see these words and there is no emotion no feeling; they are just there looking for a home a place where they can rest.  The only difference is that so many of those things don't have the air to come out of my body.  They are big and unimaginable, and I cannot for the life of me give them any breathe to come out and to be free.  I fear that once that receive the air they need that I will crumble and there will not be enough glue or kindness to put me back together.  In my head the stories play.  In the world, they are silent. 

There is such a part of me that feels so trapped.  I work so hard and yet, the nightmares persist.  I work so hard to heal and the bruises get worse.  There is such a part that feels, overwhelmed and damaged and that is the part that needs healing the most that feels the furthest away. I need this part to be free but I worry about the consequences. 

I am not sure that others understand.  By the time that i say that I am done, by the time that I say I don't have a smile left great damage has been done.  I am going to have to fight twice as hard to get what was lost back. People cannot understand this.  The weight that I am able to carry is huge!  Bigger than you can imagine but when I begin to crack, repair takes much more than if care was given in the first place. 

People have suffered greater things and are living life to the fullest.  I do not understand those days when I would rather curl up in a ball than live any kind of life at all. 

I drown daily. And no one even notices. 

Yes, it is.  I know in my head I have already lived through it I am still here a living breathing person.  But the reality of what happened, and the reality that you were failed by so many is another level of unworthiness that sticks to your soul and has tentacles that attach to everything.  Often there are thoughts that if it was really as bad as I remember then I would be dead.  Living though the life that I have lived is worse now because there is a woman in charge and not a scared little girl who wanted nothing more that her innocence. 

I will never stop, but FUCK I am so very tired. 

Yes this.  

It seems for me I was always the one that was wrong.  I was the defective girl.  I was the always that other girl that no one wanted anything to do with.  That makes things today exceptionally hard, because when things happened there was not a single person that believed in me, no one told me that what happened was the bad thing and not me. 

Sometimes I feel the growth I feel like the breakthrough is so very close.  I feel a little Freier and a little more whole.  But those last moments, so when they come, I hold on and stay still trying to hold on to them as long as I can.

I often forget that this is yet another layer.  If feels like a backslide but it's just a little deeper a little closer to the center.  I know I will be ok I always am.  But in these hard times, the joy just isn't there.  Life is hard, I want to pretend what it must be like for those that cannot understand this past of mine.  I wish for a few seconds I could forget and experience life without these trauma goggles of mine. 

Yes, this I needed so much.  And the hard part is that sometimes today I still feel like I need that.  But today as a 46-year-old woman, those things are not an option.  Like I often feel guilty for the things that I need because those things are not an option for a grown woman. 

I am not sure that I believe in the saying you can't give what you don't have. 

Because I will give and give and give and give until there is nothing left of me and not one person that I come in contact with ever has to feel the things that I have in this life. 

Oh, sweet, amazing brave girl all of this for you.  Someday you will find that happy.  Someday you will be free.  Someday, with tears in my eyes I will hug your little body and you will be excited to live the life that you never got to live. You will be a part of me that I will treasure forever. You will be free from the pain. You will no longer hurt or feel any more hands.  You will never forget but you won't remember the demons. You will always know that you will never ever be alone again. You will know that you are worthy and so loved just because that is how you were meant to be. All of this for you. 

I heart your heart.