It was a mere moment, but it lasted a lifetime. Burnt into every fiber of my being. A lifetime that would strip me of any dignity or humanness that I might have had left. The words that were spoken stung like lightning and I struggled to find meaning inside my 13-year-old brain. I think my first thought was that maybe I was too loud, because I don't remember. In my house it was never acceptable to make any noise, I just laid there thinking I did something wrong. I was face down on my parents' bed. My hands were tied behind my back. I was cold and terrified. I was confused and didn't understand why he hadn't left yet. He had taken all that he wanted; I was just the remains of the day. My mind was going in every direction, I was struggling to figure out his next move, so I would be free, clean up and just pretend that everything was ok. He was naked kneeling beside me, my face towards the bedroom door, and I heard them at the front door. At first there was panic thinking it might be my parents and things were not in order. I was worried what they would think and how many bad decisions I made for this to happen. But the laughing I heard the laughing, the laughing that echoes that I will never unhear. I knew it wasn't my parents. And I saw them in the bedroom doorway, and don laughed and said, "she's a screamer" and he hit me. The shame and embarrassment were unimaginable. These men were standing there as I laid with my hands tied, I was their prisoner. I was so exposed, I wanted to die, somehow just disappear into that waterbed. They were staring and gawking and laughing and I was a little girl that was trying to understand. I had no idea what was going to happen to me. I had no idea, the kind of hell that was even possible. The things that little girl would live though. I sit here writing and I feel the moment, the coldness, those eyes, all those eyes that were staring. My arms are achy, my ribs remembering the pain. I feel the chills. She laid there with so many questions thinking about her getaway and today, I know that there was nothing that could have been done. I was nothing, I was less than human. I was that girl that was the screamer, I was the girl that they all laughed at. This is also the moment that I caught eyes with Andy. He wasn't laughing. I still do not know why he was there, but he wasn't like the rest. He was there, yes and there are many many questions that I will never have an answer too, but he was why I didn't die. He was the one who treated me like a human, who helped when he could. He covered me when I was shivering. Just one moment in time yet a lifetime of terrifying moments. I close my eyes and I am there. I want to run; I want to hide. I wish with every cell I could forget it all. I am still not sure how a girl can survive such things and become a whole person again. I feel rotten inside when I remember. I feel like their hands are still inside twisting and tangling all that was never theirs. I remember the little things, the way that the sun was shining in the window. The way that they all stood. The feeling of the wrinkled comforter, on my face. Feeling don's knee at my shoulder, it's those little things that are etched in my soul. The entire time thinking if I was better, if I was different these things wouldn't be happening. My insides are still reeling 34 years later. There are still so many moments locked in my mind, locked in my soul but this one is free, this one is no longer silent and someday this moment will not be felt in my bones. It needs air to heal and I am giving it that, no matter how much it hurts. Someday my heart will not be weighed down by things such as this... The first memory and moment to find the light.
I heart your heart
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