Never First

 I think that this is something that I have struggled with most of my life.  I have never been first choice, never been a favorite never been that one person.  I have never been that person even for my own family.  There is always something more important, or better.  And I think that for the most part i get used to it until that one thing happens and I think SHIT, here we go again.  Why am I always an option and not a priority. 

Well, it was like that again this year for Thanksgiving.  Chris and I were going to have Thanksgiving together.  Then he goes silent, no texts no communication.  He said I will call you then never does.  Well Thanksgiving is coming up and I kind of need to make plans, what do I need to buy, what is happening, what are we thinking.  So, I text him hey, what is going on for Thanksgiving?  The responce, well I don't know, maybe we will stop by.  Sure, asshole a knife in my heart.  Stop by.  Well, you my friend are a self-centered Ass hole and no stopping by is not ok.  We will be making other plans and you can go fuck yourself.  

A few days later I found out that the girl friends' mother and sister were coming in town, so I was going to be thrown to the wolves to fend for myself.  So not ok.  Last Thanksgiving, he was in the hospital, so we made dinner and brought it all to him in the hospital.  Then there was the Carly Drama, and everything turned into a mess, of course I was the outcast, the one that was making trouble.  My mother's last Thanksgiving, she had a few words over the banister because she had covid.  She said that I needed to call the nurse's station and let them know.  She was full of words for all the things that I needed to do.  Yea all of that was last year.  And I was going to maybe get a stop by.  No that is not ok. I have feelings to, I also have things going on , the world doesn't revolve around you and your drama Chris. 

I also find out that he has now left said girlfriend and if they are still coming the girlfriend's mother and sister), he will need a place to stay for a few days; yes you are welcome here.  I don't know why, maybe because that is just who I am, but I will not change my plans for you.  I will not be at your Becking call; I will not pretend that my feelings are not crushed when you think nothing of me.  So, the kids and I are going to Chinese this thanksgiving.  Because I am tired of having nowhere to go and no one that puts us first.  And not being invited anywhere.  I know people have their own families, but I guess it hurts that I don't have any place. I guess this is not a new thing, but it is a thing that I am tired of.  I will go out of my way a million times, but I am tired of my heart getting trampled on in the process.  

So, what is he doing for thanksgiving.  I do not know, his plans change like the weather, and I am tired of being hurt.  My children are what matter, and we are going to have one hell of a time eating to many eggrolls, Mariska eating her little corny dogs and Vincent eating, who knows what, but I am sure it will be something that he has never tried before. 

I can no longer hear about the drama in his life and in a few weeks, things will be exactly the same.  I am tired of hearing how he raised these kids and blah blah.  He checks out when he feels like it and doesn't even understand that that isn't ok.  He talks about things that are inappropriate and involves them in things that are adult issues and decisions, and I can't do it.  The boundaries that are crossed with Carly are things that I cannot overlook that give me the chills.  He can blame it on my past that he knows very little about, he can blame it on whatever he wants, things that go on are not ok.  Their relationship makes me more than uncomfortable, and he can't see that.  It is all the icing on the worst cake that you have ever seen.  Things that he knows about me are things that he has heard from my mother.  He doesn't know the me that I am today, and how I have had to fight to get here.  I am by far perfect, but I am me.  That me that I am doesn't seem to be an important part of the family.  I will focus on my family and doing things different and having an amazing time doing it. 

I will never come first, I will never be a priority my needs will never matter, and he will never understand.  It is ok for him to shut people out until he feels like coming back around, its ok for him to do a lot of things but I can't have an opinion.  So many things are not right.   I am more than tired of never even being a though, my feelings never considered, Once, I want to come first or at least be a thought and have an adult conversation about it.