Dear Proud Moment

 Dear proud moment, 

Finally Finally YOU ARE HERE! 

I have looked forward to this day for a really, really long time. I have dreamed about this moment and often thought maybe it was not meant for me.  A day when I would no longer hang my shoulders because of my story. A day when I would confidently know that this is a part of me, and just that a part not the whole of me. This moment has been a very long time in the making, when I no longer dread the fact that my story is different. My story is different, that is just how things are. I have survived things that are not meant to be survived. I have endured much of those things on my own and yet here, I stand finally having my very own proud moment.  A day when a question would be just that, a question.  A question that I may choose to answer or maybe not. If I choose too, I would confidently be able to answer without any ounce of shame and embarrassment.  A question asked and I would be able to proudly answer, wow the day has finally come.  I would take a breath and if it was necessary, if it would make a difference, if they would listen, I could proudly answer.  I could answer as a survivor, a warrior. I could answer as a woman that was proud of herself, proud of her survival and proud of the decisions that she has made in this often not so kind life.  The proud moment when I can stand on my own to feet; look someone in the eyes and say ye that is a piece of me, a part of my story but there are so many more pieces.  I never imagined all those years ago when I was scared to say the things that were most in the dark that they would be empowering and not devastating. When the words, all the words came out of my mouth there would no longer be dread, there is no longer self blame and no longer that feeling that I am less than anyone else.  To be proud instead of worthless.  To be proud instead of embarrassed.  To be grateful that I survived to live the life that I have created.  This is my moment, the moment I have fought for and I moment that I will never be able to forget.  I was raped at 5 and learned to love the little things.  I was raped until I was 9 and learned to see light in the things that no one notices.  I was gang raped at 13 and learned that I had an inner fight that kept me alive.  I lost my baby girl but she gave me strength.  And even still Yes, I was raped and got pregnant .  And yes they are the biggest miracles that I could have ever dreamed of.  All a part of my story that I have peeled and examined to become the women I am today.  All parts of me.  Finally I am not ashamed.  There are still some days those things ache but I hold my heart and breathe and remember how far that I have come.  I am no longer embarrassed and ashamed.  I am no longer gross disgusting.  I am a girl who was hurt who learned to love life and the parts of me that helped me survive. The girl she once was and the women that she is today: we are so proud.