A part

 I was never someone's favorite, nor a person's first choice once they were given options right in front of them. My presence was not that kind of a head-turner—I was just a wallflower in any situation that I was in; always afraid to join the crowd, for I might get lost in an ocean of people with no one to notice my discomfort. I was never someone's destination, always just a part of their journey as to where they were heading to; only the lighthouse to guide them to their safety.

All this time, I blamed myself for not being worthy enough, even just a stare. Was I meant to be alone, I questioned my own being.

—Ren Ednalig

Oh my gosh this. This. All the time I think maybe I am just meant to be by myself. This is perfect for how I am feeling right now. As the holidays are upon us with Thanksgiving being here tomorrow, I think a person realizes just how alone that they are. There are no dinner invitations, no special things being made for you because they are your favorite. I have always had favorites. I tend to hold on for dear life to people that mean the world. Don't get me wrong there are a few people that will reach out tomorrow. I can tell you There are 4 people. Val and Neil, Beth, Stacey and Mark. I feel more than lucky that I have these people that they are there that they know my heart. These people are forever, but there is still a sadness. Some are far away, and they have their own lives, their own families. These next weeks are just lonely. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and I will be alone. There are not people to celebrate with. I will push myself and do things for Vincent and Mariska. I will be happy and smile but inside I wish that there was a part of me that I could share with others. A part of me that would get to celebrate with others

I often think that if I could just accept that this is the way that things are. If I could just be ok that this is just my path in life. I don't have a bad life just a very lonely one. Then there are other times I think no Callahan keep looking for the things that you want. Someday, Someday all that you long for are things that will finally be yours. Such a battle between the two. Sometimes I think if I could just accept it, and be happy things would be much better, then there is that fighter part for me that thinks NO NO NO there has to be something more for me than being lonely. This year I am in the thought that this is just how things are. And I wish that there was a way for my heart to just be ok with what I have and stop wishing for more, stop wishing for things that are not meant for us. Just a rough time of year.

I heaert your heart