Almost a Year

 Hard to believe that its almost been a year. Almost a year without my mom.  Today I was cleaning out more of the upstairs living room; making things more my own and it makes me glad.  It feels good for things to be mine and to make them pretty and happy and me.  I am still more than hurt by her actions and her words. I don't understand so many things.  There are still so many questions that I will never have answered.  There are still so many things, that will never make sense, that I will never understand.  There is a realization sometimes that I don't have a mom anymore and I am not sure what to do with that really.  Our relationship was so off and on , more than rocky. Really, I guess there is nothing to do.  My heart is still really broken, I don't remember the last time she gave me a real hug.  I don't remember the last time that she was proud of me.  I remember the last conversation with her, it was Thanksgiving night after I got back from the hospital.  I told her about Chris and Carly.  She took it upon herself to call him and give him her thoughts which led to him calling me asking what in the hell I said when I got home.  Chris berated me on the phone, I yelled at him saying that I gave my opinion and shared how uncomfortable that I was and I told him goodbye. A thanksgiving for the record books. Then her leaning over the banister, saying that she was sorry she didn't mean to blow things up.  Yea, that.  There are a lot of things that I don't remember with her.  There are a lot of things that hurt more than words. I remember when she got back from Alaska and wanted her and I to take a trip together.  I told her no, I made excuses, really that was the last thing that I wanted to do. I often see her pictures and it stings. I didn't know who she was anymore, and she had not known me for some time.  She didn't like me being my own person.  She didn't really like many things about me.  There are things that I miss, but I don't miss her here in my own home.  I don't miss the judgements, the secrets the glares.  I don't miss her treating my children so very different.  I don't miss being left out.  I don't miss the talk about dr appointments, and procedures, which seemed to be the only thing that made her happy.  I don't miss the poor me attitude that I wasn't what she wanted or needed.  I think that maybe someday when my heart is able to heal, I will be able to miss her.  Right now, there are no warm and cozy thoughts.  It was the kid's graduation that I was able to say wow she would have loved this.  I am sorry for my children that she missed that.  I have been sad because I no longer have a mom.  But sadder for my brother.  Sadder for Vincent.  The sad isn't there for me it is more relief.  I am not sure that many will understand that.  Living with her as more than hard.  I couldn't be the person that I am.  I wanted to be who I should have been for a long time, and she made that impossible. I wish her peace; I hope that she is happy wherever she is.  I hope that she transitioned easy and is in light.  For me it's going to take more time to miss her to be sad for me.