Thanksgiving 2022

 

Well, another year for the record books.  Some things should not surprise me anymore, but they do and they still hurt.  I guess a person can never be sure about close to anything. It is finally the day after Thanksgiving, and I am glad.  That means another day when this season will be over.  I am dreading most of it.  I am looking forward to those getting the gifts that I have gotten for them but everything else is done.  I am tired and drowning and there is no end in sight.  I like to plan for the holidays, so I know what to expect, I like to be ready and prepared.  So, a few weeks ago, my brother and I were planning Thanksgiving.  Then he went silent.  I know that is never a good sign, but I hold on to hope.  SO, I send a message about a week later, hello, what is going on Thanksgiving.  The response that I got sent chills up my spine.  "I don't know we may drop over".  Drop over?  So, I am supposed to wait around until you decide to come over?  No never mind don't bother.  So, I make the decision, you know what I am not doing a huge dinner, and cleaning everything up myself.  We are going to go for Chinese.  We are going to do things differently, we are going to enjoy the day and when Vincent gets off work, we are going out to eat.  I look it up it says that they are open all is fine. Perfect I have a plan, and we are going to create some new good memories. Still no more communication with my brother. I found out later that the ex's mother and sister were supposed to come and that is why I was being once again overlooked; I am crushed. I have to do things for my kids, just pretend that I am not totally hurt.  Just smile and pretend.  I so tried; I tried but the tears still escaped. Many times, through the day they asked if I was ok, if I was going to cry, if I had allergies.  I just kept busy saying that I was fine.  

This time last year, was a disaster, I was in the hospital with Chris all week my mother was in her room with covid.  Little did I know that the last coherent conversation that I would have with my mother ever would be Thanksgiving night 2021.  I knew that this year I needed things to be different. I should have known better. It's true that some things never change, as much as you want them too. 

Thanksgiving comes around, I say Happy Thanksgiving.  I get an emoji thing saying almost Thanksgiving. That was it that was all.  I was crushed but I felt it in my bones, but still, that does not make it any easier.  But it was fine, we had plans for the day.  Mariska was great, Vincent was working.  Then i asked Mariska to call and make sure the place was open to make sure we would be there in good time and not have to worry.  She looked it up and said mom you have to come see this.  Like seriously right now!   And yep, they were closed.  I think those were the first tears of the day I tried to brush it off like no big deal, but it was a really big deal, and I was crushed and alone.  I kept busy kept smiling.  Got chicken thawed out Vincent made that.  Not another word from my brother.  Not a single word.  That is what hurt the most.  Last year we moved everything around and brought and entire dinner to him, and this year nothing.  He is so self-centered; I cannot even stand it.  He is not the only one that has things going on in his life.  There is a part of me that just needs to stop trying.  I cannot be disappointed anymore by things that aren't surprising.  I would love to have you in my life.  I want you to be a part.  If you continue to dismiss and ignore me and my family, then I just can't.  I cannot be disappointed anymore. I am one of the only people that would totally jump in front of a train for you, and this is how I get treated.  NO, NO that just doesn't work for me. I think that I have to let him figure out what he wants. what he thinks is important and what exactly it is that he wants to spend his energy on.  I am tired of expending mine on people and things that could care less.  

I heart your heart.