I still find it pretty unbelievable each and every time that I prepare to speak. I have worked so hard to develop my voice that when I get to use it to make a difference, I think my heart does a little dance. I am always grateful for the opportunity, and each time I present, I hope to become better and better, making a difference for other survivors like me.
This year was different; I almost canceled. I was closer than I ever thought I would. There were so many things going on, and I wasn't sure that I would have an impact. I received an email about me crying, which threw me off for a few days, maybe a week or two. I responded and didn't hear anything back. I had a feeling that I had done something wrong, and my tears were a problem. I thought, "But this is me." I feel everything so deeply, it doesn't mean that I am weak or not ok. It means that I was affected. So there was that, which made it really difficult to overcome. But in my heart, this is what I long for: to speak to make a difference. So I marched on. I was nervous but confident. I spread all the artwork on the tables and had everything set up. I was ready. I am getting more confident; I am who I am. Some people will like how I present, it will make them think. It will not be for others, and that is ok.
I was a little worried; the room seemed to have many empty seats, but as time got closer, the room began to fill. And fill and fill until there was standing room only, with a few people sitting on the floor. I worry that I focused too much on the slides, and the stress before the presentation affected me, taking some time to let go. I was aware that I spoke too fast, so I would slow down and then speed up again. I think my point was still heard, and my message was delivered. Just need more practice. I need to learn to stop letting what others think get in my way.
People came up to me afterwards, hugs were offered, and I was thanked for my story. One guy who was sitting in the front said that he was worried he was going to say the wrong thing. It made me smile that he was worried; I was confident that he would be everything kind and gentle. There was a presence he didn't want to acknowledge, fearing he might say the wrong thing and cause more harm. I thanked him and said that he would be amazing. I knew in that moment that he had taken my words to heart and would be more mindful and do things differently. It's those interactions that I do this for. To make others think. I remember the clapping at the end, and yet I felt very far away. There were a few moments when everything went on automatic. I wanted to be so present, and sometimes that just isn't an option.
I have realized that there is a particular kind of sacredness in dealing with trauma that has to be respected. As soon as it was over, it was like everyone was moving on. There needs to be a kind of sacredness when dealing with trauma and people's stories. I am trying to figure out what it means to me and how I can make it happen. It's essential. There is a sacredness to the story, to the tears, to the pauses for breath. All things that wouldn't be possible without survival. I don't know, it's a lot to think about, but something so very important that I feel in my bones. Like, you need to hold space and really think about what I said. You can't just keep moving; you have to let it in. More about that later.
There were many fabulous sessions that I got to attend. I am really looking forward to learning more about sandtray therapy. There was a session about psychedelics, and another on Psychodrama.
Sometimes I am caught in the middle, not yet a therapist, and still healing. I find myself in a place between merely surviving and truly thriving. There are so many things that I want to convey as a survivor and as a therapist. It's a balancing act.
I look forward to all that is ahead. Exploring more, discovering my place in the world of trauma, and learning how to teach others and help them understand. There is a great need for people to understand our hearts and where we are coming from. I will be presenting in December on the impact of Family Violence. Lots of Law Enforcement, Medical, and teachers, along with a new audience, new perspective for sure. I start seeing clients in a few weeks, and I'm excited about it. This time next year, I will be taking my exams and becoming an LPC-Associate, which is really exciting. Good things ahead as I continue healing. I know there are so many more things to write, but goodness, my brain is tired. Summer school grad classes, presenting, and teaching Summer school. There's only one day left of summer before I am back in class. All good things ahead, with so much to look forward to. I would love to hear from those who were there and see if anything I said stuck with them or made a difference.
I heart your heart,
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