I've been feeling the day coming for some time, and it's really heavy this year. Tomorrow is the day. 22 years ago, I got pregnant with my children, my greatest joy and everything that I never knew I needed. I find myself more than angry, feeling so affected, upset, and sad that I feel anything at all on this day. I feel like Amelia adds a certain sweetness, and I still wonder how I can be heartbroken. Without this day, there would be no Amelia. I am in a place where I am so unbelievably hurt at what I went through and incredibly grateful that I got to be a mom and now a grandmother. The struggle between the grief part and the celebration is something that I struggle to balance. I feel guilty that there is any sadness at all because, in the grand scheme of things, I would do it all over again to have my children and get to be their mom.
The sadness I feel is incredibly intense. The kind that stops a person in their tracks, like you are supposed to be somewhere but just can't. The kind of sad that sucks the air out of the room, and you're frozen in all the things you remember or don't remember and can't change. When I think about that day, I realize I just wanted to be normal, to belong, and to mean something to someone. Goodness, I was so excited getting ready, and I get so frustrated with myself that I was excited. There had to be a part of me that knew something wasn't right, but I couldn't see past my excitement of being normal. He included me, and I was going to do something normal, which felt really good. I feel awful that I get so sad, because really, I just went away. There came a point where I knew what was going to happen to me, and it was like this switch. I didn't feel a thing. He wasn't violent, yet I write that and think, how hard is it to rape a girl who knows what is coming and flies away to a place that is safe and far away. The last thing that I remember was that green pillow. In my head, I created this story that made things less awful. Somehow it fell directly on my face. There was a time that made sense. I'm really sure he put it there; he knew exactly what he was doing. A pillow doesn't just fall on a person's face. I just needed him not to be a monster, and if it was my fault, then I was to blame. I didn't catch any of the signs, and I wanted to be normal for even a short time.
I am struggling to wrap my head around the fact that he raped me, but I felt nothing and remember so little. In my mind, I know what he did, I got pregnant, but for there to be a blank space is utterly confusing. I have no clue how he took my clothes off, and how his came off. There were no bruises, no fighting, no pleas. I kept saying, "We are supposed to go shopping," but he seemed to forget we had plans for lunch and that I was going to help him get what he needed for his trip. How can I be so sad about something that didn't hurt? How can I be so sad about something that I didn't feel and don't remember? I shouldn't be sad; I have my beautiful children.
I do wish that there were easy answers. I wish there was something, anything, that could bring my heart some peace. I wish that there were another mom like me to talk to. With all the grief and heartache about what happened to me, there are a few things that I know for sure.
I know that I am so very grateful to be Vincent and Mariska's mom. I love them more than I have words for. I am so thankful for each and every minute that I have with them, and I would not change a thing for them to be mine. I know that someday questions will come, and I hope that we can talk about them together. My experience, their experience, and our experience together. I know that Amelia has brought our little family together in ways that I never imagined. Someday she may have questions, and that is ok too. The three of us have come a long way, and I look forward to all the amazing things ahead.
My Vincent and Mariska, you will forever and always be the air in my lungs. You amaze me all the time with your care, your strength of character, and your heart. I hope that I make you proud, and that someday you can understand why I did some of the things that I did. Someday, I hope you will understand the significance of this day, August 22. I love you I love you I love you.
My Ms.Amelia, I love you so BIG. You have brought a light into our family that I don't have the right words for. I love every moment with you and look forward to so many firsts. You, sweet girl, are a first-generation Callahan who will know a good, kind, loving dad who will protect you with his whole heart. You have so many people who love you, and I hope someday you can understand where your poppy has come from, and all that I hope for you in this big world. Because of you, your mom, and your dad, my heart is bursting at the seams.
Oh my family, I heart your heart with all that I am.
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